


Tales From Gotham Academy

by lfthinkerwrites



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Background Relationships, Bruce hates these people, Comedy, Fluff and Crack, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Multi, So very much, These are terrible people and you should not like them at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-07-25 06:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 26,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16192280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lfthinkerwrites/pseuds/lfthinkerwrites
Summary: The Gotham Rogues as high school teachers at Gotham Academy, the most prestigious school in Southern New Jersey. Someone, please save the students.





	1. Break Room Nastiness

**Author's Note:**

> Because I have absolutely no self-control, I've started yet another AU. Only not really, since these will be much shorter chapters and there really isn't an overarching plot. I apologize again for what you are about to see.

At 9:00 am on the dot, the loudspeakers in Gotham Academy crackled with static, before a deep, Teutonic voice rumbled through them, sending a chill down the spine of any student who heard it.

_“Good morning, Gotham Academy. This is Principal Hugo Strange. It behooves me to remind all students and members of the faculty that the golf carts on the grounds are reserved for janitorial and maintenance staff use only. Any and all violators will face dire consequences. That is all.”_

Meanwhile, in the faculty break room, Edward Nashton, computer science teacher and the teacher voted five years in a row as the biggest pain in the ass in Gotham Academy’s history, took a sip of freshly brewed coffee, and promptly spat it out on the pristine linoleum floor.

“Oh, Dormouse,” Jervis Tetch, English teacher, scolded. “They just washed that! They’ll be so cross with you!”

Edward wiped his mouth with his sleeve, then glared at the lanky older man sitting next to Jervis at the table. “Jonathan,” he grit out. “Why do you do this? You always do this! You spike the coffee pot with whiskey!”

Jonathan Crane, Health teacher, didn’t look up from the book he was reading. “You know that, and yet you drink the coffee here anyway.”

“It’s 9 am March Hare,” Jervis said with not a little bit of concern. “Should you really be drinking whiskey?”

“It’s gonna be one of those days, Jervis,” Jonathan said cryptically before turning his attention back to his book. 

Edward let out a huff and walked over to the sink to wash out his mug. “Unbelievable!” As he crossed the room, he walked past Harvey Dent, Civics teacher and just returned from a leave of absence. “Morning Harvey,” Edward said in a smarmy tone of voice. “How was anger management?”

“Shove it up your ass, Nashton,” Harvey growled, walking to the counter and taking the coffee pot. He took a whiff and his eyes narrowed. “This smells like whiskey.”

“Jonathan did it!” Edward shouted from the sink.

Harvey looked at Jonathan. “Is this your moonshine crap or is it good whiskey?”

“Jack Daniels,” Jonathan answered.

“Good,” Harvey said before pouring himself a drink. The door to the break room opened and a tall, well built, redhaired man strolled in, belting out a song in a full baritone.

**“Good morning Baltimore-”**

“Neil,” Jonathan snapped. “It’s too early in the damn morning for this.”

Neil, the drama and choir teacher continued on, pointing at Jonathan.  **“There’s the Scarecrow that teaches next door!”**  He then pointed at where Edward was still standing at the sink.  **“And Edward acting like a fool! Drinking the coffee at this school!”**

“Thank you for that Neil,” Edward answered. He walked back to the table as Neil continued to belt out the opening to Hairspray. He took a seat next to Victor Fries, the Math and Physics teacher. “You’re quiet this morning, Victor. How are things?”

Victor took stock of the men in the room and scowled. “I look at you all and weep for the future of the American Educational system.”

Jonathan sighed and took another sip of his whiskey spiked with coffee. “It’s gonna be one of those days…”

 


	2. Meet Vice Principal Jim Gordon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pity Vice Principal Jim Gordon.

_"Attention, all students and faculty. This is Principal Hugo Strange. I regret to inform you that due to unforeseen circumstances, Ten Cent Hot Dog Day is canceled. That is all."_

It was only a quarter past ten and already Vice Principal Jim Gordon could feel the onset of a migraine. "What have we got so far today, Ms. Kringle?"

Kristen Kringle, the latest in a long line of administrative assistants dutifully began reading off of a clipboard she'd brought from her desk in the front office and began to review it. "Let's see...Mr. Dent completed his required anger management courses and is resuming his duties today."

"Good," Gordon said, taking a sip of coffee. He smacked his lips a bit then took a quizzical look at the coffee mug. Was that whiskey he tasted? He shrugged and took another sip. "Let's just hope no one else has a pizza delivered to his class. Anything else?"

"Yes," Kristen said, looking over the paper. "You have a meeting at 1:30 with Ms. Kyle and Coach Bolton over the use of the football field."

Gordon grimaced. "Kristen, make a note. I'm supporting Selina. Even if Bolton is technically, legally or God forbid, morally correct, I'm supporting Selina." He took a bigger gulp of his coffee and nearly spit it out as soon as the aftertaste burned his throat. That was whiskey. He turned his eyes heavenward. "Dammit, Crane." he murmured. He set the now empty mug down and took a seat at his desk and leaned back his chair as far as he could. When he sat back up, he saw Kristen still standing there.

"Would you like to hear this morning's incident report, Mr. Gordon?"

Gordon removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, but go on."

Kristen cleared her throat and began to read off of another paper on her clipboard. "The audio track for The National Anthem played over the loudspeakers every morning was replaced with The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa-"

"I thought it was the Monty Python theme," Gordon interrupted, putting his glasses back on. He raised a hand apologetically. "I'm sorry, go on."

"Yes, sir. At 9:15, Lonnie Machin staged a walk out and sit in at the library in protest over the prices at the soda machines being raised by twenty-five cents."

Gordon raised an eyebrow. "Didn't he protest last year over installing the soda machines in the first place? What did he say, that we were poisoning students by promoting diabetes? Shouldn't he be happy that they're more expensive now?"

Kristen shrugged. "He said it was the principle of the matter, Sir. At any rate, the protest was broken up by security officers Bullock and Cash and Machin will be serving a week's detention."

Gordon shook his head. "I don't know whether to be annoyed by the constant disruptions or to be happy at how civic-minded that boy is. Is there anything else?"

Kristen bit her lip before continuing. "Yes. At some point last night, unknown persons broke into the cafeteria and stole the hotdogs intended for Ten Cent Hot Dog Day."

Gordon took his head into his hands and groaned. "Oh Lord, that explains why it was canceled. How are the students taking it?"

Kristen looked for the first time since Gordon had met her, genuinely worried. "Not well. There have been negative posts circulating on social media since the announcement."

"Wonderful. Tell Bullock and Cash that finding the hot dog thieves is a priority today. Anything else?"

Kristen looked over her clipboard. "That's it for now, Sir. It is only-" she looked down to check her watch. "-10:20 though."

"Don't remind me," Gordon groused. He leaned back in his chair again and sighed. "Very well. That will be all, Ms. Kringle."

Kristen nodded and returned to her own desk, shutting the door to Gordon's office behind her. Gordon closed his eyes. Five more years until retirement. Five more years until retirement. His wistful thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Kristen opening his door.

"Sir? Mr. Bruce Wayne is calling."

Gordon sat up so suddenly he almost lost his balance. Bruce Wayne was a member of the school board. A wealthy member of the school board. A wealthy member of the school board who had four children attending as students. He picked up the phone at his desk. "Mr. Wayne! What can I do for you today?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to the shorter chapters, this will be updated more frequently than my other works.


	3. Meet the Guidance Counselors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guidance counselors are dedicated professionals, but they can only work with what they are given.

Harleen Quinzel, (call her Harley, everyone does), had been a guidance counselor at Gotham Academy for the better part of four years. She was a bubbly, intelligent, big-hearted woman who was well-liked by both the faculty and the students at large. 

Sometimes though, it was difficult to remember that she was a guidance counselor, and not a student herself.

"Ooh!" she squealed, looking over Stephanie Brown's purple glitter nail polished nails. "Pretty!"

"Not too much, is it?" Stephanie asked.

"Not at all!" Harley said. "I think it looks great! Besides, even if it was a bit much, who cares? You do you!"

Stephanie smiled wide. With her blonde hair and bright blue eyes, she could almost pass for Harley's younger sister. "Thanks, Ms. Quinzel."

Harley waved her hand a bit. "Call me Harley. So, did your Mom help pick that out for you?"

"Yeah, when we went shopping last weekend."

Harley nodded. "She's doing better, then?"

Stephanie looked down at her hands. "Yeah. A lot better now that Dad's gone for good." Stephanie looked up. "It's not bad for me to not feel bad about that, is it? My Dad being in jail, I mean?"

Harley reached over her desk to pat Stephanie's hands. "Not at all. The guy was a real loser. You and your Mom are gonna be so much better off without him. Maybe someday you might be ready to forgive him, but you don't have to. However you feel about him is totally valid."

Stephanie smiled again. "Thanks, Harley."

"Not at all. Now, tell me more about that boy you met! Tim, right?"

* * *

 

Penelope Young was as close to a total opposite to Harley as one could imagine. She had only just started at Gotham Academy that August. Six weeks in, and she was beginning to regret it.

She sat at her desk and contemplated the young man sitting in the chair across from her. Finally, she sighed. "Hello again, Jason."

Jason Todd gave her short nod. "What's up, doc?"

Penelope looked down at the sheet of paper in front of her, trying not to let her annoyance show. "So. Vice Principal Gordon informs me that you and Mr. Harper were caught spray painting "Mr. Zsasz is a punk ass bitch" on the lockers. Again."

Jason shrugged. "It's true."

Penelope looked back at her sheet. "Last week, you were caught attempting to steal the tires from Principal Strange's car."

"Just getting a head start on my senior prank."

Penelope sucked in a quick breath between her teeth. "Jason," she said as patiently as she could. "Senior pranks are for the last week of school in May. And you're a Junior."

"Practice makes perfect, right Doc?"

Penelope looked back to her paper. "In career counseling, you wrote that you wanted to, and I quote, "become the head of a ginger army and lead them through the wastelands, like in Mad Max."

"I've already recruited Roy, Barbara, Kory, and Wally. I'm thinking about asking Nashton's kid to join up too, but I don't want him to flunk me."

Penelope let out another sigh and looked at Jason almost beseechingly. "Jason," she said. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Are there problems at home?"

Jason looked at her through half-lidded eyes. "Nah. I'm just bored. I didn't want to come to this stupid ass academy in the first place. Why not make it more fun for me and the other students?"

"You think that the other students enjoy your disruptive behavior?"

"They must. I'm the front-runner for Junior Class President."

Penelope resisted the urge to bang her head against her desk. Eight years in higher education. $100,000 in student loans. And this is what she had to show for it.


	4. The Strange Case of Dr. Crane and Mr. Kerr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan attempts to teach his psychology class. The key word there is 'attempts.'

Jonathan Crane wasn't just the health teacher at Gotham Academy. He also taught a psychology elective class for Seniors and particularly ambitious Juniors. He had formerly been a psychology professor at Gotham University before accepting the position at Gotham Academy. Twice the money for half of the work. Despite what his cold, misanthropic nature would suggest, Jonathan was a dedicated teacher and genuinely fond of his students, especially those who took his psychology elective. His students were fond of him in turn, and his psychology class was the stuff of legends, passed down from generation to generation of students.

We are about to see why.

"So," Jonathan said in front of his class of drowsy, but eager students. "That concludes our segment about Sigmund Freud and Freudian Analysis. Now that we have unfortunately covered the material, I hope you won't mind if an old psychology professor does a little editorializing."

The students began to give each other knowing smirks. This was going to be good.

Jonathan walked in front of his desk, holding the Freudian textbook in his hands. "I would never in good conscience expose young impressionable minds to Freud, for the simple fact that there is no empirical evidence to back up any of his so-called breakthroughs, or how his brand of psychoanalysis has held the field of psychology back for decades, for his contemptible views on human sexuality, or for how he has maintained a stranglehold in history for being nothing but a goddamn hack!" Jonathan took a breath. "Unfortunately, I was required to teach him. Now children, pay close attention. This is the best use of Freud." Jonathan opened the book and ripped a page out, much to the delight of some of the students. "The more sensitive among you may want to cover your ears for this next part," he said gently. Then he raised his voice. "The only good use for this page of Freud, children, is to wipe my ass with it, and then burn it!"

The class erupted into laughter and a few cheers as Jonathan continued to rip pages out of the book. "And this page would be best served to line my bird's cage! And this page to wipe my nose! And this to-" his diatribe was interrupted by the shrill sound of an alarm. Jonathan almost supernaturally calmly placed the mangled book back on his desk. "Aw, Hell. The cafeteria's on fire again."

"Mr. Crane, it's not the cafeteria!" Luke Fox called out, his face pressed against the windows that overlooked the quad. "There are students diving out of the chem lab! There's smoke coming out too!"

Jonathan rushed over to look. Sure enough, students were running for their lives from the chemistry lab. The chemistry lab that was right next door to Jonathan's class. The chemistry lab that had green smoke billowing from it. Jonathan swore, then began to open the large windows. "Everybody out!" He ran to the door of his class and threw it open. "Leave your textbooks and evacuate! Save yourselves, children!"

Pandemonium ensued as the students crowded out the door or in some cases, dove out the open windows. Thank God they were on the ground floor at least. Jonathan waited until the last students had left the room before he somersaulted out the window and ran as fast as he could towards the relative safety of the quad. Jonathan saw that Edward's computer lab had evacuated as well and he directed the students who had chosen to escape through the windows to join them. Jonathan himself walked up to Edward and joined him in watching the chem lab burn.

"So," Edward said. "Any chance that Kerr actually died this time?"

"We're never that lucky," Jonathan groused. "That damn clown will survive the apocalypse."

Indeed, as the Academy firefighters and Vice Principal Gordon showed up to the scene with fire extinguishers, a maniacal laughing could be heard. Finally, a pale figure with green hair jumped from the windows of the lab, holding his sides laughing. Jonathan growled. "I really, really hate that clown."

 


	5. Torrid Lunch Break Affairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who says romantic entanglements are only for students?

_"Attention, all students and faculty. This is Principal Hugo Strange. The fire in the chemistry laboratory has been put out and there is no need to evacuate the school grounds. All students who have not returned to class will serve detention. That is all."_

Lunchtime in the teacher's lounge came with its own perks, including Neil serenading the assembled teachers with a selection from Lerner and Loewe.

**"I HAVE OFTEN WALKED DOWN THIS STREET BEFORE! BUT NEVER WHILST EATING PROCESSED CHEESE BEFORE!"**

"Neil," Jonathan hissed. "You do realize you're making a jackass of yourself in the teacher's lounge, don't you?"

Neil turned to Jonathan and belted on. **"PEOPLE STOP AND STARE THEY DON'T BOTHER ME! FOR THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE ON EARTH THAT I WOULD RATHER BE!"** Neil sharply turned on his heel and all but flounced to a table on the other side of the room, belting all the way.

Jonathan grumbled and turned back to his lunch. After the fire in the chem lab, it had taken all of the security officers and Vice Principal Gordon to restore order in the quad, but there was no way he'd be able to finish teaching his class. Hence the foul mood.

Beside him, Edward clucked his tongue. "Must you ride him so?"

Jonathan arched an eyebrow. "You actually enjoy that nonsense?"

Edward shrugged. "Well, at least he's talented. Anyway, what was I talking about?"

Jonathan sighed and began stabbing the cafeteria meatloaf. What he'd give for a hot dog right now. "You were complaining about something Goodman did."

"Right! He wore an Egyptian headdress today! Can you believe it? He moved on from Ancient Egypt weeks ago! He's teaching Viking history now! Why does he still need to wear an Egyptian headdress?"

"What do you care?" Jonathan asked. "Are you still sore about losing that Halloween costume contest against him last year?"

"No, I am not! And my costume was better than his any day of the week!"

Jonathan was about to say something biting to retort when he was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Into the lounge walked Harley, Selina Kyle, the good gym teacher, and Pamela Isley, the biology teacher. Or as the students had dubbed them, the Gotham Academy Sirens. "Hiya boys!" Harley waved.

"Hello, Harley," Jonathan and Edward said in unison.

The three took their seats on the opposite side of Jonathan and Edward and opened their respective lunch containers. Edward raised an eyebrow at the...concoction Pamela had pulled out of her Tupperware. "What is that?"

"It's seitan," she all but snarled. Her antipathy towards Edward and his towards her was well known. "It's healthier than whatever processed garbage you're eating, Nashton."

Edward held a hand to his chest. "This is homemade tuna salad thank you very much! Lina, are you going to let her talk to me like this?"

"Not now Eddie," Selina said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I have a meeting with Gordon and Bolton in an hour."

The other people at the table shuddered in sympathy. "Poor Kitty," Harley said, petting her shoulder. "Best of luck-" a text message alert from her cell phone interrupted her. She checked her screen and squealed. "Yay! Puddin's out of the nurse's office!"

"Oh, Joy," Pamela muttered.

Harley ignored her friend's grumblings and got out of her seat. "Later guys! I gotta go take Puddin' his lunch!" She hummed a merry tune while the other teachers seated at the table gave each other worried looks. "Oh!" she suddenly said. "I almost forgot! Eddie, Penny says she wants to talk to you!"

Edward's look turned from worry to delight. "She does? Really?"

"Down Eddie," Selina teased.

Edward ignored, choosing instead to smooth back his hair. "How do I look?"

Harley gave him a thumbs up. "Good!"

"Desperate," Jonathan drawled, much to Pamela's amusement.

Harley bounded towards the door, almost tunning into Penelope on her way out. "He's right there! Go get him!" She walked out and Penelope walked in and the look of icy disdain on her face visibly dampened Edward's enthusiasm.

She marched straight up to the table he sat at, stopping briefly to greet the other teachers before stopping right in front by Edward, her hands on her hips. "I need to talk to you," she said.

Edward leaned back in his chair and made a show of looking up at her. "By all means."

"I just had a conversation with a student of yours."

"And? You are a guidance counselor after all. I imagine you have conversations with many students."

"He said that you've been locking the online homework assignments and forcing them to solve riddles to unlock them!"

"And?"

Penelope's eyes narrowed even further. "You don't think that's just a little bit unprofessional?"

"Penelope-"

"Dr. Young!"

Edward sighed irritably. "Miss Young, if he can't figure out basic riddles, the answers to which I mentioned in class, thank you very much, then frankly, he doesn't deserve to pass."

"He has an athletic scholarship riding on this!"

"Well, bully for him. He's not getting a free pass from me."

Penelope let out a frustrated sigh. "How does someone with such disregard for his students keep a job as a teacher!?"

"Easy," Edward smirked. "I have tenure."

Penelope shook her head and then left in disgust. Edward watched her go and his smirk was replaced with a dreamy smile.

"You're pathetic, you know that?" Pamela said. "How long are you going to spend pining after someone who clearly despises you?"

"She does not," Edward sighed. "She's crazy about me."

Selina looked at Jonathan. "You're a shrink, what do you call that?"

"Classic projection," Jonathan answered.

Edward sat straight up then. "I'm not projecting a thing!" he protested.

Across the room, Neil began to sing once more. **"I FEEL YOU, JOHANNA!"**

This time everyone at the table spoke as one: "SHUT UP NEIL!"


	6. Beautiful Captain Zodiac Sparkles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey and Edward discuss an issue with their daughters.

No sooner had Penelope left the room did Harvey come in, slamming the door behind him and bellowing "NASHTON!" at the top of his lungs.

Edward sulked. "When it rains, it pours. What do you want Harvey?"

Harvey marched up to the table, almost running down Jervis as he tried to get to the fridge, and threw a bunch of papers stapled together on the table. "I found  _this_ in Duela's locker today!"

Edward looked up at him with an arched eyebrow. "You go through your child's locker? And why does this concern me?"

"It concerns you, Nashton, because she's been making this crap with _your_ kid!"

Edward's eyes lit up a bit. "Ah, this is Ellen's secret comic! She said she wouldn't let me read it until it was fully colored! I don't understand why you have such a problem with it."

"Read it," Harvey growled.

Edward shrugged, picked up the crudely put together comic and began reading. "The Adventures of Beautiful Captain Zodiac Sparkles-"

"'Beautiful Captain Zodiac Sparkles?'" Jonathan repeated.

"Ellen went through a Sailor Moon phase, so what? Anyway," Edward paused to clear his throat, "By day, she is an average high school student. By night, she is the beautiful, glittery avenger of the downtrodden everywhere! Beautiful Captain Zodiac Sparkles-"

"I'm sorry," Selina snorted. "I can't take this seriously with that name."

"You aren't supposed to, it's a teenage girl's power fantasy! It's completely harmless, right Jonathan?"

"Right, as long as it's not harming anyone. Go on, Edward."

"Thank you. Anyway, she uses her magic phone to transform and-" Edward paused slightly as he considered the drawing. "Oh my. That outfit's quite a statement."

Jonathan leaned over. "Nice to see your child's grasp on anatomy has improved."

"She's my little artist. This was the problem, Harvey?"

"Keep reading," Harvey said, folding his arms across his chest. "You'll see."

"Alright then: and fight the embodiment of evil, the dreaded, Toxic Masculinity!" Edward turned the page and raised both of his eyebrows. "Ah. I think I see the problem, Harv."

"What?" Selina asked.

Edward laid the comic down on the table for the rest of the denizens to read. It was open to a full page spread of the villain of the piece. A hulking, slobbering brute who looked exactly like Lyle Bolton. 

"Oh boy," Selina sighed. 

Pamela huffed. "I don't see the issue."

Edward rubbed his chin. "I'm going to need to talk to her about drawing the teachers again. Is that all, Harvey? It's an issue, but I don't see the fuss-"

Harvey jabbed his finger at the comic. "Read the next page!"

Edward turned the page. "Toxic Masculinity calls upon the dark powers of the Capitalist Patriarchy to uphold systemic oppression-"

"That's quite a mouthful," Jonathan mused. "Aren't these girls only about fourteen?"

Edward's chest puffed out a bit. "Well, I can't speak about Duela, but Ellen's always had an advanced vocabulary!"

"I heard her calling a vending machine a pox-ridden son of a whore the other day, Eddie," Selina drawled.

"Not the point, Lina! If I may continue. But the Beautiful Zodiac Sparkles uses the power of direct action to dismantle him and his corporatist overlords and return the Earth to Mother Nature-wait. Where on Earth are these girls getting this from?"

"You tell me, Nashton. Gilda and I don't have this kind of radical garbage in our house."

"You have a problem with your daughter being a feminist, Harvey?" Pamela growled.

Edward raised a hand before any violence could break out. "In my defense, I was fully expecting for Ellen to get into this sort of thing. I was kind of hoping she'd wait until college though. But the point remains: where are these girls getting this from? I'm a single parent, I don't have anything political in my home, I don't think they're friends with Machin-"

"Probably something on the internet," Harvey said. He pointed at Edward. "This is all your fault! Duela told me you don't have a filter on the WIFI at your house!"

"My fault!" Edward protested. "Right Harvey, it's my fault I actually trust my child and don't treat her like an idiot-"

"Pam," Jonathan interrupted. "Don't you run the LGBTQIA Club? Aren't the girls both members of that club?"

The rest of the table turned to look at Pamela, who ate her seitan and smirked. "I'm not indoctrinating them if that's what you're asking, Crane. If they have questions about certain theories, however, I'm more than happy to answer them."

Harvey and Edward looked bug-eyed at her for a moment, then turned back to each other. "This is your fault, Nashton! You let your daughter join that club and she dragged Duela into it!"

"You blame Ellen for everything! My little girl's a saint!"

"Your little angel just drew a picture of Lyle Bolton getting the crap kicked out of him by a teenage girl in steel-toed boots!"

"It's a valid form of artistic expression!"

**"THANK HEAVEN, FOR LITTLE GIRLS-"**

"SHUT UP, NEIL!"


	7. Meet the Students

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet the unfortunate students under Gotham Academy's care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I've been bad and let this lapse. Mea Culpa.

_"This is Vice Principal Hugo Strange. Once again, I would like to apologize for the last minute cancellation of Ten Cent Hot Dog Day. However, this nonsense on social media must cease. The next person who turns our illustrious academy into a 'dank meme' will face severe consequences. That is all."_

"Fucking bullshit," Jason grumbled. "How much do you want to bet that Kerr stole the hot dogs?"

Tim looked up from his book at his foster brother. "Why would he?"

"Because he's a sick fuck, that's why." Jason shook his head. "I can't believe he's still employed."

"I can't believe any of the teachers are still employed," Duke said. "This morning in English, Mr. Tetch broke down crying while we were reading out passages from _Titus Andronicus_ and had us switch over to _Through the Looking Glass_.

Jason shrugged. "Eh, that's a shitty play anyway." He poked at his meatloaf with his plastic fork. "Speaking of Titus, who's the cook today? This meatloaf feels rubbery." 

"Chef Valentino," Tim answered, not looking up from his book.

Jason pushed the plate away from him in disgust. "Jesus! I'm not touching this! There's probably a horse in it!"

"Jason, don't be disgusting!" Tim shouted. Duke grimaced a bit and thanked his lucky stars he'd brought lunch from home today.

At that point in time, the three were joined by Dick Grayson, age 18 and Barbara Gordon. The pair took their seats between Jason and Tim. "Afternoon, gents!" Dick greeted. He looked at Jason poking the meatloaf and laughed. "What are you doing, Jay?"

"I'm trying to see if there's anything in the meatloaf," he grumbled.

"He's being gross," Tim complained. 

Dick took a quick look around the table. "Where's Roy?"

"Lunch detention," Jason answered. "I'm serving mine after school. For some reason, Gordon doesn't want us to serve detention together."

Beside Dick, Barbara scoffed. "Yeah, because the last time you had detention together, you rigged Coach Bolton's desk to explode."

"Good times," Jason said. "Good times. What's going on with your old man anyway, Barb? He seems a little more amped up than usual."

Barbara shrugged. "I'm not sure. His secretary said he got a call from someone earlier this morning and it put him on edge. I'll ask him after school. In the meantime, could you please go a little easier on him?"

"Sure. As long as you still agree to join my Ginger Army."

"What are you even going to do with a Ginger Army Jason?" Tim asked.

"Get a big rig and drive across the wastelands of course."

Tim groaned. "I don't know why I even ask."

"Hey, guys!"

Tim looked up and blushed a bit when Cassandra appeared at their table, accompanied by one Stephanie Brown, the girl he had a slight and very obvious crush on. He scooted over to make room for them, which made Jason laugh. He shot a glare at his brother before giving Stephanie a slight wave. "Hey, Steph."

"Just the two of you today?" Barbara asked. "Where are Ellen and Duela?" 

"Their Dads came by and pulled them aside to talk to them," Stephanie answered. 

"They found out about Beautiful Captain Zodiac Sparkles," Cassandra furthered explained. "Mr. Dent was mad."

"Damn it," Jason cursed. "I wanted to see how she defeated Toxic Masculinity!"

"Sheesh," Duke winced. "How'd they find out about it?"

"Harvey probably searched Duela's locker," Dick said. "He's a bit over-protective."

"Over-protective?" Jason repeated. "He's a fascist."

"He let Duela get her hair dyed two different colors, how much of a fascist could he be?" Stephanie pointed out.

"No, Mrs. Dent let Duela get her hair dyed. Mr. Dent punched a locker the first day she came to school with that hairdo," Tim explained. "At least Mr. Nashton doesn't micromanage Ellen like that."

"Nah, he's too busy chasing after that guidance counselor to search Ellen's locker," Jason laughed. "Poor bastard."

"You think he's got a chance?" Dick asked. "I've got a bet with Kory about it."

Jason opened his mouth then held up one of his hands. "Hold it. Everybody freeze."

"What's wrong?" Cassandra asked.

"The meatloaf just moved."

 


	8. Staff Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon calls the faculty for a staff meeting they'll never forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, something like a plot emerges.

_"Attention, all senior faculty members. Please report to the Teacher's Lounge for a mandatory staff meeting with Vice Principal Gordon. Not attending this meeting will result in disciplinary action. That is all."_

"When was the last time we had a staff meeting?" Jonathan grumbled. He and Edward had been the first to arrive for the meeting, as usual. "Six months ago?"

"About that," Edward answered. He stretched out in his chair. "This better be quick. Ellen has karate lessons at three."

"And I have to go feed Lenore," Jonathan replied. "This better be important."

"Cheerio, chaps!" Jervis greeted the pair. He took the empty seat next to Jonathan. "Any idea what this meeting is about?"

"Not a clue," Edward answered. "Hopefully it's an announcement that they're firing Kerr."

Kerr picked that precise moment to stroll into the lounge. "Oh, Eddie! I'm hurt!" He took a seat across from the trio and propped his feet up on the table, much to their disgust. "Who else could provide this school hours of entertainment? You and your 'dank memes'?" 

Edward rolled his eyes. "Where's Harley?" Jonathan asked.

Kerr shrugged. "Who cares?"

Jonathan narrowed his eyes. "If you aren't interested in her, why do you keep stringing her along?"

"Not my fault if she can't get the hint, Jonny Boy! Besides, I prefer brunettes, right Eddie?"

Edward was about to launch himself across the table and attack him when Harley herself entered, along with Selina and Pamela. "Hiya boys!" Harley greeted. She squealed and took the seat next to Kerr. "How do you feel, puddin'?"

"Terrific, kiddo!" Kerr crowed. He shot Edward a smug look and the other man backed down, glaring at him all the while. "Say, Kitty," Kerr asked. "How'd that meeting go with Gordo and Friend Lyle?"

"You're looking at the coach with exclusive rights to the softball field for the rest of the quarter," Selina smirked. She and Pamela took the seats next to Harley, Pamela shooting Kerr a dark look. Harvey, Victor Fries, Neil, Miguel Dorrance, and Kirk Langstrom filed in, filling out the empty seats. No sooner did they sit down did Bolton himself storm in with a dark look on his face.

"Afternoon, Lyle," Selina sassed.

Bolton growled at her and took one of the empty chairs at the far end of the tables that had been set up for the meeting. "This better be good," he said. "I've got better things to be than to spend my time with you yahoos."

"Likewise," Edward said. Jervis chortled, then gulped when he saw Bolton's glare.

"You watch your mouth, Eddie, I'm not in the mood!"

"Both of you shut up," Dorrance said. He was a Spanish teacher at Gotham Academy. He was also the largest man in the room. "Let's all stay in one piece today, yes?"

Bolton looked ready to snap at him when Penelope walked in and his demeanor changed completely. "Hey, Doc!" he said. He pat the empty seat next to him. "Saved you a spot."

Penelope rolled her eyes and took the last empty spot next to Edward. His face lit up and he shot a smug look at Bolton. Before the coach could do or say anything, Gordon finally arrived. "Afternoon, everyone. I want to make this as quick and painless as possible."

Kerr dramatically raised his hand to his forehead. "Great Caeser's Ghost! You are firing me!"

Gordon sighed in irritation. "No one's getting fired."

"Let me guess: you found out who stole the hot dogs," Jonathan suggested.

"No, not yet." Gordon took a deep breath. "A certain member of the school board has made a complaint about the way you conduct yourselves. He wants to visit the school this Friday and observe you in action."

"Which one?" Kerr asked. "Cobblepot?"

"No. Bruce Wayne."

Jonathan looked across the table at Selina. "Is that the one you're sleeping with?"

"Bold of you to assume she's only sleeping with one," Edward deadpanned.

Selina clucked her tongue. "People who live in glass houses, Eddie."

Edward blushed and looked down at his hands, much to Penelope's curiosity. 

"Moving on," Gordon continued. "Bruce Wayne is one of the wealthiest, most connected men in this city. He also has four children attending this school. He's concerned they and the other students aren't getting a proper education because of the shenanigans that you get up to."

"That _we_ get up to?" Edward asked. "How much time has Jason Todd spent in detention this year alone? And does anyone else recall the time Grayson climbed up to the gym roof and we had to call the fire department to get him down? And Wayne has the nerve to object to our behavior?"

"Don't act like you haven't pushed a lot of envelopes, Nashton," Gordon warned.

Edward opened his mouth to say something else when Penelope interceded. "He does have a point, Jim. A lot of the misbehavior on this campus can be traced back to his children."

"I know, but there's a lot that can't. At any rate, Wayne's got a lot of juice. It's better for all of us that we're on our best behavior."

"Or else what?" Pamela drawled. "We've got tenure. Strange can't fire us."

"He's aware of that," Gordon said, shuffling awkwardly. "But he's also let me know that while he can't fire you, he can ensure that anyone who doesn't cooperate will face a very difficult time for the rest of the year. Is that clear?" There was no response to that. "Good. That's all."

Kerr sat up and clapped his hands. "Well, that was fun! Who's for Chinese?" 

 


	9. Let's Get Lyle Bolton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward, Jonathan, and Jervis unite under a common goal: humiliating Lyle Bolton.

As soon as Gordon and most of the faculty had cleared the room, Bolton had made his way to the end of the table where Edward and Penelope were sat. "So Doc," he said. "Got plans this Friday night? We'll be having our first game of the season. I could get you the best seat."

"I'm not a fan of football," Penelope answered, focusing more on gathering her bag than on Bolton.

Bolton's face reddened a bit before he smirked. "You've just never been to one of my games, Doc."

"She said she wasn't interested, Bolton," Edward seethed.

Bolton turned sharply and got in Edward's face. "I wasn't talking to you, Eddie!"

Edward chuckled at the display."Of course not. You'd have to increase your IQ by at least 100 points to be able to keep up with me!"

Bolton narrowed his eyes. "You better watch your smart mouth, Eddie. It's gonna get you in trouble someday." He ran his finger across his throat.

Far from being intimidated, Edward rolled his eyes. "Can't you come up with anything better than a grade school taunt, Bolton?"

"Fuck you, Eddie. Now, as I was saying. Doc-" Bolton turned only to realize that at some point during his exchange with Edward, Penelope had vacated the room. He swore out loud and Jervis chose that moment to let out a nervous chuckle. Bolton rounded on him in fury. "What are you laughing at, Half Pint!?"

Jervis gulped and raised his hands up in supplication. "N-nothing, Lyle!"

"Leave him alone, Lyle," Jonathan warned. "You're in enough trouble with Gordon for how you treat the students as is. Last thing you need is for the entire faculty to turn on you."

Bolton's face darkened. Then he scoffed. "Whatever. I got better things to do than to deal with you dorks anyway." He then stormed out of the room, leaving Edward. Jervis and Jonathan the only people left.

As soon as Bolton was out of earshot, Edward began to rant. "The absolute gall of that man! Acting as if he's entitled to her attention!"

"When we all know that's you," Jonathan drawled. "But you have a point. Bolton's starting to get a bit too big for his britches. I had a football player come to me during office hours in tears about how Bolton was runnin' them ragged."

"Quite, quite," Jervis agreed with a nod of his head. "I've had many complaints from my students as well. Bolton's like those chavs I used to have to suffer from my primary school days in England."

Edward sighed, then bounced on the heels of his feet. "So what do we do? If Strange and Gordon won't fire Kerr for repeatedly blowing up the chemistry lab, they aren't going to lift a finger to get rid of Bolton."

Jonathan smiled a bit, which made him look even more twisted than Kerr if such a thing was possible. "No, but remember what Gordon said. We may not be able to get rid of Bolton, but we can make his life here a living Hell."

Edward looked surprised for just a moment, then he smirked. "Now that's more like it. What's the plan? Dig up some dirt on him and spread it like wildfire? Hack into his accounts?"

"Too covert," Jonathan said. "No, what we need to do is something more public," he leaned his elbows on the table and folded his hands in front of his face. "Bolton's a man obsessed with his own power. He enjoys dominating other people that he perceives to be weaker than him, lesser than him. The best way to break him is to publically humiliate him at the height of his power."

"The football game on Friday," Edward answered. "Very Stephen King of you, Jon, only I'm not quite sure I want to help procure pig's blood."

"No, no nothing like that," Jonathan shook his head. "I do have something in mind, but it will require assistance from other parties."

Edward rubbed his chin. "Selina will help. She hates Bolton as much as we do. So would Dorrance, I think."

"What about Harley and Pamela?" Jervis asked. "Neither of them care for Bolton."

"Pamela won't help if I'm involved and we can't risk Harley telling Kerr and him blowing it," Edward said. "Besides, the fewer people involved the better."

"I agree," Jonathan said. He looked at his watch. "It's 2:45. Don't you have somewhere you need to be, Edward?"

"Right, Ellen's karate class. I need to go get her before she comes after me. What's the plan then?"

"The three of us will meet back here at 9. Jervis, you go and ask Selina and Miguel to meet us as well."

"Right-o!" Jervis saluted. "Operation Let's Get Lyle Bolton is at hand! Frabjous Day, Calloo Callay!"


	10. The Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan outlines his plan to get Lyle Bolton.

At 9 PM exactly, Jonathan, Jervis, Edward, Selina, and Miguel were all assembled around a table in the Teacher's Lounge. Jonathan sat at the head of the table, his long hands steepled in front of his face. "Thank you all for coming on such short notice."

Miguel stretched his almost comically large arms above his head and leaned back in the seat. "Jonathan," he said. "What's this about?"

"Lyle Bolton."

Selina leaned forward a bit with a smirk. "Go on."

Jonathan took a breath and continued. "Every person at this table has a reason to dislike the man, whether because of professional conflicts-" he nodded towards Selina, "Romantic jealousy," he nodded towards Edward and ignored the other man's indignant squeak "Or a simple dislike of bullies."

"And?" Miguel asked.

"And," Jonathan grinned. "I'm proposing that we do something about it."

Miguel nodded. "Go on."

"Every time he coaches a football game, he drinks energy drink out of his thermos. Tomorrow night, I intend to spike the contents of this thermos with a liquid laxative."

Selina shook her head. "Juvenile. If that's your plan, what do you need us for?"

Jonathan lifted a finger. "I was getting to that. Of course, I will need assistance in breaking into his office. That's where Edward and his electronic hacking skills will come in." Edward gave him a mock salute. "I also intend that there will be only one bathroom that Bolton will be able to use. The Port-o-Potty set up by the field. I'm sure you don't need to guess where you'll be needed, Miguel."

Miguel rubbed his chin in thought. Selina sniffed. "So, what do you need me to do?"

"I'm sure it hasn't escaped anyone's attention that the game and Bolton's humiliation will occur on Friday night, the same night that Bruce Wayne will be conducting a so-called 'inspection'." Jonathan gave Selina a knowing look.

She rolled her eyes. "Really? You want me to distract Bruce so you can get away with getting Bolton to humiliate himself in front of his team and half the school?" 

"Oh, don't act like you won't enjoy it, Lina," Edward sassed.

She smirked. "Of course I will. I'm in."

"I am as well," Miguel said. "Bolton has gotten away with terrorizing my students long enough. He richly deserves to be taken down a peg or two."

Jonathan grinned. "Then we're all agreed. Tomorrow night, Edward, Jervis and I will break into Bolton's office."

"Me?" Jervis interrupted. "Wait, what do you need me for?"

Jonathan gave Jervis an appraising look. "Someone's going to need to scope out his office, make sure that he's not in."

Jervis paled. "Me-me? Why me?"

"I pass," Selina said. "Seducing Bruce is as involved as I can get in this boys. Everyone in the school knows how much he and I argued over the field. I need to maintain plausible deniability."

"I have other obligations I need to see to tomorrow night," Miguel said, getting out of his chair. "You know where to find me when you need my assistance." He walked out of the room, followed shortly after by Selina.

"This is not what I signed up for gentlemen!" Jervis argued. "What if Bolton is in his office tomorrow night and he catches me?"

"Well, I can't risk getting caught by him," Edward argued back. "I'm a single parent! Ellen needs me in one piece!"

"And I've got Lenore to think of," Jonathan added. "No one can take care of my bird but me."

"You could always back out Jervis," Edward added. "But keep in mind that we'll think of you as a gutless coward for the rest of your career here."

Jervis took his face in his hands and sighed. "Oh fine. Alright. I'll do it. But you chaps owe me."

"So we're agreed," Jonathan said. "We meet outside Bolton's office tomorrow night at 9." He got out of his seat. "Gentlemen." He left the lounge, followed by Jervis, mumbling something about 'jabberwockies'. 

Edward was the last one out. As he left the lounge, locking the door behind him, he thought about what exactly he'd say to Ellen about being out tomorrow. He shrugged. She'd accepted his explanation tonight. He doubted she'd mind an evening on her own tomorrow as well. He walked down the hall and took a left to reach the front door, almost colliding with the last person he expected to see.

"Edward? What are you doing here?" Penelope stood before him with raised eyebrows, carrying her book bag.

Edward paused for a moment before formulating an answer. "Well, I work here, don't I? You're here late too."

"I'm here to catch up on paperwork," Penelope huffed. "You're never here after 4. So I'll ask again: what are you doing here?"

Edward crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked her straight in the eye. "Things."

"Things?" Penelope repeated. "What kind of things?"

"Professional things," Edward answered. "Now my dear, if you don't mind, I need to be getting home. Ellen's waiting up for me." He smirked a bit when he thought of what she'd said. "You've noticed I'm never here after 4? Do you have my schedule memorized?"

Penelope flushed. "Don't flatter yourself," she said. "Anyone would notice the way you always carry on about how you can't wait to get out of here every day. You're worse than some of the students."

"Mea culpa," Edward said, walking around her and towards the exit. "Until tomorrow."

He was only a step away from her when she spoke again. "Edward?"

He sighed. Now what? He turned behind him and her face was a bit softer. "What you did earlier today with Bolton wasn't at all necessary, but...thank you." She walked past him and out the exit herself before he could utter a response. Edward let out a small grin and followed her out with a spring in his step.


	11. Another Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim recruits fellow students to help him solve the mystery of the great hot dog theft of 2018.

Thursday lunch saw Ellen Nashton and Duela Dent rejoin their friends at their usual table. Ellen concentrated intently on a sketch of a villain for her and Duela's comic, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth as she did so. She let out a huff. crumpled the sketch and tossed it towards a trash can a few feet away. "I hate this," she grumbled. "I can't come up with a single new design for Toxic Masculinity that I like!"

Duela pet her on the shoulder. "You'll get it," she said. "Still sucks we had to change it though."

"You know if Coach Bolton saw it, he could sue your Dads for libel," Tim pointed out.

Duela rolled her eyes. "No he wouldn't, he'd just meet them in the parking lot with a tire iron. My Dad could take him anyway."

"Mine couldn't," Ellen sighed. 

Duela leaned in, bothered by the expression on her best friend's face. "What's wrong? You seem kind of down."

"It's my Dad."

"I thought he wasn't giving you a lot of static about the comic," Stephanie said. "Is something else going on?"

Ellen shrugged. "I'm not sure, but I think he's up to something."

On the far end of the table, Jason let out a short bark of laughter. "No offense kiddo, but your Dad's always up to something."

Ellen shot him a dark look. "Don't talk about my Dad like that, Todd!"

Jason raised up his hands. "Easy, Ellie, just saying."

"What do you mean, 'up to something'?" Barbara asked. 

"Like I said, I'm not sure, but he's acting weird. Last night after dinner, he took off and didn't come back until after 9. Then this morning, he told me he was gonna be out late again tonight. I saw him this morning talking in a corner with Mr. Tetch and Uncle Jon about something."

"Sounds like the Dork Squad is plotting," Jason said. "I think you're right. Something's gonna go down and its gonna be hilarious."

Duela pet Ellen on the shoulder again. "I'm sure your Dad's fine."

"Yeah," Ellen agreed. "I just wish he'd tell me though. I'm not a little kid anymore."

"Maybe it's about the hot dogs," Tim said. "I heard that the security guards think that a member of the faculty took them!"

Dick looked at his girlfriend. "That true, Barb?"

"It's what my Dad's thinking, yeah. A teacher would have better access to the meat locker than a student would. One of the night watchmen would have noticed a student being here late too. A teacher being here after hours isn't that odd."

"Why would a teacher take them though?" Duke asked.

"I'm telling you, Kerr did it! I bet $20!"

"Jason," Dick sighed. "Not everything that goes wrong in the school is Kerr's fault."

"Well, my Dad didn't do it," Ellen stated. 

"Neither did mine," said Duela. 

"Maybe it was Ms. Isley? She's a vegetarian," Duke suggested.

"No way!" Ellen and Duela chimed in as one.

"You know what I think?" Tim asked, leaning in, his voice low. "I think it was Mr. Valentin."

"The cafeteria cook?" Barbara asked. "Why?"

"He's got the best access out of anyone here. He knows his way around the cafeteria and kitchen, he knows how to get into the meat locker and he's here after dark a lot! No one would think twice about him being here or taking the hot dogs out!"

"He is a creep," Cassandra said. "I think he could have done it."

Dick hummed a bit. "Just one thing Tim: why?"

Tim deflated a bit at the question. "I don't know. Yet."

"Yet?" Jason asked. "What do you mean, 'yet'?"

Tim's eyes darted across the room, to make sure that no teacher was listening in. "I'm going to come here tonight and see if I can catch him in the act."

"Are you serious, Tim?" Dick asked. 

"I'm in," Jason volunteered.

"Me too," said Stephanie, which made Tim flush a bit. "How about you, Cass?"

"Can't," she said. "I have ballet class tonight. Someone needs to distract Bruce too."

All eyes immediately went to Dick, who let out a long-suffering sigh. "Fine. I'll cover for you guys, but you better get back to the Manor by curfew, or I'll spill the beans to Bruce AND Alfred."

Tim flashed his brother a grateful smile. "Thanks, Dick. You're the best."

Barbara shook her head, then got up from the table. "Count me out, guys. If you get caught, I need to maintain plausible deniability."

"Just don't snitch on us, or I'll revoke your membership in the Ginger Army," Jason threatened. Barbara laughed, then walked away from the table and towards the cafeteria door. Dick got up to follow her out. Jason then turned his attention to the remaining people at the table. "Roy's still grounded so he can't come...Duke? You in?"

Duke drummed his fingers on the table for a moment. "Sure. Why not? My folks are still out of town anyway."

"Great. Ellen? Duela? How about you?"

Duela shook her head. "Lasagna night tonight. And my Dad's still pissed about the comic. I don't wanna get grounded because of creepy Mr. Valentin." She poked at Ellen. "You can go though. Your Dad's out tonight anyway, right?"

Ellen bit her lip. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah. Why not? Could be fun."

Tim smiled and Jason chortled. "Excellent. Scooby Squad is assembled!"

"Jason, don't call us that."

"Which one of us is Scooby?"

"Well, Timbo's Velma, I'm Fred, Ellen's Daphne-"

"Why do I have to be Daphne?"

"Because you've got red hair-"

"I don't wanna be Daphne, I wanna be Shaggy!"

"Fine, Steph's Daphne, you're Shaggy-"

"No, I wanna be Scooby!"

"Fine: Timbo's Velma, I'm Fred, Ellen's Shaggy, Steph is Scooby and Duke is Daphne because he's the best-looking one here."

"Sounds legit."

Tim held up his hand. "Can we please stop arguing over Scooby Doo and talk about the plan?"

Jason leaned back in his chair. "Fine. Plot away, fearless leader."

"Thank you. So, we'll all meet out front at 8:30 tonight. We'll stake out the cafeteria and follow Valentin when he shows up."

"What time's your curfew?"

"11:30, Steph. So if he doesn't show up by 11, we'll call it a night. Sound good?"

Duke raised a hand. "Question. What if we do catch Valentin doing whatever. What do we do? Call the cops?"

"I'll bring a camera. We'll take pictures and then take them to Principal Gordon."

"Goody-two-shoes," Jason said. "Alright, gang. We meet up at 8:30 tonight. Break!"

The bell rang and the students began to clean up the remainders of their lunch and grab their belongings. Duela and Ellen walked out together as they always did. "If your Dad is plotting something with Crane and Tetch," Duela whispered, "Maybe you'll see him here tonight."

Ellen shuddered. "I hope not. If Dad sees me out late, he'll flip."

Duela shrugged. "Just tell me how it goes. I'm sorry I'm gonna miss it."


	12. Some Scooby-Doo Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dork Squad and the Mystery Gang carry out their plans and all Hell breaks loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so this is a long one. Hope you enjoy!

Gotham Academy was an austere institution during the day but looked almost haunted at night. Duke shuddered a bit as he and his friends gathered by the front entrance. "Man, this place is creepy at night."

Beside him, Jason scoffed. "This place is always creepy." He leaned down to jimmy the lock to the front door, only for the door to open. "Huh. It's already unlocked?"

"A lot of the teachers stay here late at night," Tim offered as an explanation. "I'm pretty sure Mr. Crane sleeps here sometimes." He entered the school grounds first, turning on the flashlight he held in his right hand to illuminate the way. Jason was right behind him, then Stephanie, Ellen, and Duke. Duke took one look behind them before he shut the door. The five slowly and quietly made their way down the darkened halls.

"Keep an eye out for the night watchmen," Tim whispered.

"Relax, Timbo," Jason said. "I know how to get around them."

"How many times have you snuck in here at night?" Ellen asked.

"This year alone? Six."

Stephanie laughed a bit. "You're such a bad boy, Jason."

Tim clenched his flashlight a little harder than necessary. "The cafeteria's going to be to our left. Let's go."

* * *

 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the school, three men were gathering in front of an office next to the gym. "Evening chaps," Jervis saluted his companions. "Frabjous night, calloo, caliite..."

Edward arched an eyebrow and looked at Jonathan. "Is he drunk?"

"He smoked some opium before we came out here."

Edward clucked his tongue. "Jervis, Jervis, Jervis. Oh well. Ready?"

Jervis nodded. "Yes, Alice."

"Wonderful." Edward leaned down to look at the lock. Each member of the faculty had an electronic lock on their door to prevent students from breaking in. The keypad that controlled the lock required a four-digit code to be input. Edward hummed a bit, then pressed a sequence on the keypad. The keypad flashed green and the door lock came open. "Well. That was easier than I thought it would be."

"What numbers did you press?" Jonathan asked.

"1234," Edward answered. "In addition to being a bully, Bolton's also an idiot." He stood back up fully, then gave Jervis a pat on his shoulder. "Alright, Jervis. Godspeed."

Jervis wobbled a bit, then squared his shoulders and marched into the office. The light was off, but for all they knew, Bolton might live there. Jervis came out a moment later with his thumb up. "All clear, March Hare and Dormouse!"

Jonathan smiled. "Excellent." He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the liquid laxative. He then turned to Edward. "You stay out here. Anyone comes by, distract them."

Edward resented a man of his brilliance being reduced to a mere lookout, but that was preferable to actually stepping foot in Bolton's office. God only knew what he kept in there. "Try not to have too much fun in there."

Jonathan cackled, then followed Jervis back into the office, shutting the door behind them. Edward leaned against the wall and checked his watch. 9:00. Hopefully, they'd be out of here and he could get home before Ellen's curfew.

* * *

Upon entering the cafeteria, the kids fell into position behind the lunch tables closest to the kitchen entrance. Tim took off his backpack and pulled out his camera. "I'll start taking pictures of Valentin as soon as he shows up."

"If he shows up," Jason said. He sat down beside Tim and lit a cigarette. "Anyone else want one?"

Ellen looked at him, her green eyes wide. "My Dad would kill me."

"Daddy's girl," Jason teased. "Steph? Duke?"

Both declined. Stephanie sat with her back to the wall between Ellen and Duke. She checked her watch. 9:05. Did she really want to be here for another two hours? Suddenly, the sound of opera music came from the cafeteria kitchen. Jason startled. "The fuck?"

"Is that him?" Duke asked.

Before Tim could respond, the kitchen door opened. Lazlo Valentin longtime cook at Gotham Academy stepped out, carrying a metal tub and singing along to the opera music. Well, singing wasn't the right word for it. It was a mangled, horrific caterwauling that would have made Neil's ears and eyes bleed. Tim cautiously poked his head out, snapping a picture of Valentin as he walked out of the cafeteria door that led to the outdoor seating area. As soon as the doors shut behind him, Jason stood up.

"What are you doing?" Tim hissed.

"No offense Timbo, but we aren't going to find anything just waiting around out here. We should go to the kitchen and see what he's got back there!"

"I agree," Stephanie said, getting up to follow Jason. Duke and Ellen exchanged a look, then got up as well, leaving Tim the last behind the tables. He groaned, then followed the small procession into the kitchen.

* * *

 

Edward checked his watch again. 9:15. He frowned and gave Bolton's door a short, sharp knock. "Jonathan? Jervis? How long does it take to swap an energy drink with a laxative?"

The door opened and Jonathan poked his head out. "We made the executive decision to vandalize his office while we're here. Shouldn't be too much longer." He went back into the office and shut the door.

Edward let out an irritated huff. He had every right to just ditch the pair, but he knew better than to cross Jonathan. He was so irritated by the conduct of his friends that he didn't notice someone come up the hall until she was right beside him.

"I knew it. You are up to something."

Edward nearly jumped a foot when he saw Penelope suddenly standing beside him, her arms crossed across her chest. He put his hand over his heart and let out an irritated groan. "What are-do you live here or something!?"

"I thought you weren't entirely honest with me last night," she said. "And I noticed you off in the corner of the teacher's lounge with Jonathan and Tetch at lunch today. And I doubt you're hanging around Bolton's office just for fun. So I'll ask you just one more time: what are you doing?"

Edward sighed. The one time he didn't want her to notice him. "Jonathan, Jervis, and I are going to humiliate Bolton at the football game tomorrow night."

Much to Edward's surprise, Penelope relaxed. "Is that all?"

"Is that all?" Edward repeated. "Isn't this the part where you tell me that this is a horrible idea and that I should stop?"

"If I did, would you?" she asked. She shook her head and her face softened. "I'm a guidance counselor, Edward. Don't you think I've heard from the students just how horrible Bolton is? And how the administration can't or won't do anything about it? As long as you don't get yourself or anyone else hurt, I think Bolton more than deserves whatever you're going to do to him."

For a long moment, Edward said nothing and instead stared at Penelope as if he was seeing her for the first time. He laughed a bit. "You're a bit more devious than I've given you credit for, my dear."

She scoffed, but he noticed her flush just a bit. "So will you tell me exactly what's going on? Maybe I can help."

Edward shook his head. "You don't have the same protection of tenure that me, Jonathan and Jervis do. If something goes wrong, I'd rather not see you unemployed. You're a good counselor." He reached a hand up to rub the back of his neck. "At least, that's what Ellen tells me."

"What did you tell her you were doing tonight?"

"Oh, just that I'd be out with friends, which is technically true. She's a good girl. She won't get up to any mischief while I'm out."

* * *

 

Ellen wrinkled her nose at the smell of rotting meat in the kitchen. "God this is gross. I'm so glad my Dad makes me lunch. Doesn't Valentin clean in here?"

Stephanie looked at the mess in the sink and gagged. "I'm never getting any food from here again."

"Guys!"

The girls turned to see Tim standing in front of the meat locker. Jason crossed over from where he was looking at a stove to help him open it. The meat locker door slowly swung open and the jaws of each kid dropped in shock.

Inside was an altar, with what looked like dolls stood up on toothpicks surrounding what looked like a pig mask. Jason took a step forward to get a better look. "What the fuck..." he touched the mask. "Is this...made of meat?"

"Guys, I'm seriously starting to get freaked," Duke said. "We should get out of here."

Tim snapped a few pictures, then took a step closer. He reached out one hand to touch the dolls. "Oh my God. It's the hot dogs! Valentin's made them into little dolls! And-" he picked up one and took a closer look. He realized with horror that it was dressed like Vice Principal Gordon. "He's dressing them up like other teachers!"

Ellen's eye caught sight of one hot dog on the far right end of the altar. She grabbed it. "Oh my God! It's my Dad!" 

"Guys, we need to get out of here," Duke repeated, slowly backing towards the door. "This is seriously messed up."

Tim dropped the hot dog and snapped a few more pictures. Jason shook his head. "Man, and I thought Kerr was a sick bastard."

_"What are you doing to my dollotrons!?"_

The five kids turned to see a large man in the doorway, wearing a pig mask and holding a cleaver.  _"Pyg made them better! Pyg will make you better!"_

Tim dropped the camera. "RUN!!"

The five scattered, running and screaming past the man and out into the cafeteria. "I told you I should have brought my BB gun!" Jason yelled.

"Shut up and run!" Tim shouted back.

_"Don't run from Pyg! Pyg will make everything better!"_

The kids screamed.

* * *

 

Edward and Penelope heard the shouts and looked towards the cafeteria. The door to Bolton's office opened and Jonathan and Jervis emerged. "The Hell was that?" Jonathan asked. He looked at Penelope and nodded. "Evenin' child."

"The White Queen joins us to fight the Jabberwock?" Jervis asked.

The sounds of screams filled the air again and Edward froze at the sound. "That sounds like-it can't be-" Another shriek sounded, closer and Edward took off towards it in a run. "ELLEN!"

"Edward, wait!" Penelope shouted, running after him. Jonathan and Jervis followed shortly, Jervis muttering the whole time.

Edward ran down the hall that led from the gym to the cafeteria and soon he saw five children running towards him, one of whom was painfully familiar to him. "Ellen!"

"Daddy!" Ellen shrieked. She ran up to him and grabbed him in a tight hug. "DaddyDaddyI'msorryIknowI'mnotsupposedtobeoutbutTimwantedtofindthehotdogsandwefoundthemandthere'sAGUYINAPIGMASKCHASINGUS!"

"Ellen, sweetheart," Edward gasped. "You're choking me." 

Jonathan shot the other four students his best professorial glare. "Now, would you care to explain to us just what you're doing on campus this late at night?"

"We came to find the hot dogs and found out Valentin's been keeping them in a shrine in the meat locker-" Tim gasped.

"-Valentin's a sick fuck," Jason interrupted. "He's been making the hot dogs into weird little voodoo dolls-"

"HE'S CHASING US WITH A MEAT CLEAVER!" Stephanie and Duke screamed as one.

_"Pyg coming for you naughty children!"_

The group looked and saw Valentin lumbering down the hall, waving his meat cleaver. "Jesus Christ!" Jonathan yelled.

Edward pushed Ellen behind him. "It's the Jabberwock!" Jervis shrieked. "The Jabberwock! He's come to kill us all!"

Penelope stepped to the front of the group and reached into her purse. "Stop right there!"

Pyg did not stop, instead, he picked up speed. Soon he was within ten feet of them. "Penelope!" Edward shouted. "Get out of the way!"

In a blink of an eye, she pulled a taser out of her purse and fired. Pyg fell to the ground and squealed in pain. Then he lay still. Edward stood and gaped at Penelope as she slipped her taser back into her purse, cool as a cucumber. He thought he may be in love with her.

Jason let out a low whistle. "Nice shot, Doc."

Jonathan stepped over to where Pyg lay on the ground and pulled off the mask. "Now let's see who you really are!" The mask came off in one tug. "Huh. Valentin. How about that."

Penelope shook her head. "This school, I swear to God. I'm calling the police. And all of your parents."

Jervis muttered some more. Ellen's grip finally loosened on her father. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

"Oh yes you are," Edward said. "You're grounded for a week." 

Jonathan sighed. "I'm never eating anything out of that cafeteria again."


	13. Bruce Wayne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce finally arrives at the school for his visit. He's less than impressed.

Gordon took a sip of water and swallowed down the two aspirins in one gulp. Today was the day. Bruce Wayne would be arriving any minute now to conduct his inspection of Gotham Academy. He let out a groan. After what happened last night, Gordon had called him to ask to postpone but hadn't been able to get more than a word out before Wayne had asked uncomfortable questions about how a man like Lucenzo Valentin had been able to remain an employee at Gotham Academy. That was such a good question, Gordon hadn't had the heart to ask for a delay. And here they were. "How are we looking, Kristen?"

Kristen, ever loyal Kristen, began to recite information off of her clipboard. "Mr. Valentin was arrested last night and is on indefinite leave from Gotham Academy pending any legal action and psychiatric evaluation. The cafeteria is also to remain closed until it can be fully cleaned and sanitized." She bit her lip. "This also means though, that Taco Friday is canceled."

Oh good Lord. "And how did the students take that?"

"Machin is leading a walkout as we speak."

Terrific. Just terrific. "It's not even 9 am and this day's already going down the toilet. Anything else?"

"The faculty are all gathered in the teacher's lounge, waiting for you."

"Good." Gordon left his office and took off towards the lounge. For all that was Holy, they'd better be on their best behavior today.

* * *

 

"So Ellen's grounded for a week and I've forbidden her from any further association with Todd."

"Probably for the best," Jonathan said, taking a swig out of his coffee mug that for once wasn't spiked with whiskey. "You coming to the game tonight?"

"Of course. After all that nonsense last night, there's no way I'm missing Bolton getting his just desserts. I'm going to have to bring Ellen though. After last night, she's lost her home alone privileges."

Their conversation was interrupted by Jervis coming to the table to join them. "Morning chums," he groaned. "Did I have a bit too much opium last night or did we really see a man in a pig mask come at us with a meat cleaver?"

"Yes, and yes," Jonathan answered. 

Jervis sighed. "Curouiser and curiouser. Edward, your White Queen won't be facing sanctions for shooting him with a taser, will she?"

"No, but I doubt Gordon's going to be too happy about her having a weapon on her all this time." Edward let out a dreamy sigh and rested his elbows on the table. "She really is something isn't she?"

"For God's sake," Jonathan grumbled. "Stay focused on our task at hand. You're acting worse than the literal children in our care."

"Bitter old crow," Edward muttered.

* * *

 

"Here we are, Master Bruce. Gotham Academy."

Bruce Wayne looked out of the limousine window at the austere stone building before them. Generations of Waynes had attended the school, including Bruce himself. Of course, when he'd attended, there weren't teachers who ripped up psychology textbooks, set the chemistry lab on fire, forced students to solve riddles to access their homework, or chased them around with meat cleavers. Gotham Academy's standards had slipped since Bruce was a student. It was time to correct that.

As soon as the limo came to a complete stop, Bruce unbuckled his seatbelt. "With all due respect sir," Alfred said. "Is this the best course of action?"

Bruce looked confused at the question. "Alfred, if last night proved anything, it's that the faculty here are out of control. Clearly, there needs to be greater supervision. I'm in the best position to do that."

"And this has absolutely nothing to do with your desire to see that gym teacher, Ms. Kyle, again?"

Bruce ignored his face flushing. "Absolutely not, now-"

He was interrupted by a commotion at the front entrance. Bruce looked up to see a student being forcibly dragged back in the school by two security officers. "Don't you oppress me! This abuse of the student body cannot go unanswered any longer. We will rise up as one and-"

"Oh give it a rest Lonnie," The female officer said. "You're just upset because there aren't any tacos today!"

"FREEDOM!" The student cried out before he was successfully pulled back into the school. Bruce looked back at Alfred. "It would seem to me sir," the old butler said. "That the students are as much to blame for the shenanigans at Gotham Academy as the faculty."

"The faculty's behavior directly influences the students," Bruce argued. "The students wouldn't feel so emboldened if the faculty behaved like professionals." He stepped out of the limousine, at last, Alfred following dutifully behind. Bruce wouldn't allow this school to collapse.

* * *

 

**"Do you hear the people sing? Singing the songs of angry men?"**

"For the love of God Neil," Jonathan snapped. "It's too early in the damn morning for this!"

Neil pouted, then took his seat at the far end of the table, next to Dr. Fries. The faculty, including the administrative staff and the guidance counselors, were all assembled at last. Everyone was in their professional attire, including Jonathan and Pamela, surprisingly. Everyone looked appropriately serious as well, some even a bit nervous. All except Kerr, who was dressed in a tacky purple suit and sitting with his feet propped up on the table. "What's with all the long faces, folks?" he asked. "You'd think someone important was coming today!"

"Bruce Wayne is important," Harvey growled. "And it's your fault he's here anyway! You and that damn chem lab-"

"Leave Puddin' alone!" Harley shouted, clutching onto Kerr's arm. "You're the one who threw a desk and got sent off to anger management!"

"Blaming each other for this doesn't help anyone," Penelope said, sitting beside Edward. "Let's just get through today with as little fuss as possible."

"I agree!" Kerr said. He waved a finger towards Penelope. "Behave everyone, or the good doctor here will taze you!"

"Back off Kerr," Edward seethed. Kerr began to laugh when Gordon entered the room.

"Are we all here?" He continued without waiting for an answer. "Good. Now please, for the love of God, try to be on your best behavior today. If not for me, then for your own sakes."

Kristen hurried into the room. "Principal Gordon, Mr. Wayne is here."

Bruce entered the teacher's lounge followed closely behind by Alfred. "Jim," he said, extending his hand. "Nice to see you again."

"The pleasure's all mine, Mr. Wayne," Gordon said, shaking his hand eagerly. A bit too eagerly. Gordon let go and took a step forward, waving his arm across the room. "This is the faculty. Everyone, this is Bruce Wayne."

Bruce took a long moment to survey the room. Harvey gave him a polite nod, which he returned with a smile. The two of them had been friends since college. His eyes caught Selina on the far end of the long table in the center of the room, sitting next to Pamela Isley. She gave him a wink and he darted his gaze away before she could see him blush. In the center of the table, he caught sight of Jervis Tetch, Jonathan Crane and Edward Nashton. The Dork Squad, as Jason had dubbed them and the faculty who had caught him and Tim on school grounds last night. Bruce wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were doing there themselves. Across from the trio, Bruce caught sight of Harleen Quinzel and an all too familiar man with green hair and pale skin. He groaned. Joe Kerr. Kerr turned and smiled. "Heya, Brucie! Put 'er there, slugger!" He extended his hand. Bruce hesitated before he took it, then pulled back immediately when he felt a sharp buzz. Kerr looked down at his hand. "Oops! I forgot to take off my buzzer!" He craned back his head and laughed out loud.

Bruce narrowed his eyes. Today was already off to a fine start.


	14. The Great Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan's plot against Lyle Bolton finally unfolds at the football game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! And now, as promised, the humiliation of Lyle Bolton.

Four hours into Bruce's visit and apart from his encounter with Kerr in the Teacher's Lounge, nothing much had happened. He'd sat in on a few classes, including Harvey's, Isley's and Tetch's, and the most interesting thing that had happened so far was Tetch reading a passage from Huckleberry Finn. The ensuing laughter caused Gordon to have to step in and restore order. Overall though, it seemed to be a peaceful, non-eventful day.

Bruce was suspicious.

"So, this is the cafeteria," Gordon continued on, stretching his hand out to show off the cafeteria. It wasn't as full to capacity, likely because of the closure of the cafeteria kitchen. A few dozen students sat scattered around tables, watching the two men walk around with disinterest. "We also have an outdoor eating area just through those doors. Due to the kitchen closure, we have food trucks set up for students who don't have a packed lunch."

"Good," Bruce said. "Now, about Valentin-"

"He's on leave pending an evaluation," Gordon interrupted. "He was already here when I started on as Vice Principal five years ago, so I can't say how he managed to gain employment. He'd never shown any signs of trouble before the incident last night."

Bruce nodded. "Still, it is a bit unsettling." Bruce looked and saw his children sitting at a table with Barbara Gordon, Stephanie Brown, Duke Thomas, Duela Dent, and a red-haired girl he didn't recognize. Dick looked up and gave him a small wave. Jason turned around and gave him the finger. Bruce glared at him. They'd talk later.

"Right this way, Mr. Wayne." Bruce followed Gordon out the doors and towards the quad. 

As soon as they were gone, the table became alive with conversation. "This is such bullshit," Jason seethed, stabbing at the macaroni Alfred packed for lunch with a spork. "Why does Bruce have to do an inspection now!? I've been saying how fucked up this school is for years, but the second Timbo gets busted-"

"It's not about Tim," Barbara interrupted. "Dad told me this morning that Bruce called to set up the visit before Tim got the idea to check out the cafeteria. That's what he was so worked up about a few days ago."

Jason grunted, then continued to stab at his macaroni. Dick sighed. "So, who do you think's on top of Bruce's hit list?"

"Mr. Kerr, Mr. Nashton, Mr. Crane and probably Principal Strange," Tim said, not looking up from his book. "They'd be at the top of my hit list at least."

From her spot between Duela and Stephanie, Ellen glared at Tim. "What have you got against my Dad!?"

Tim dropped the book and held his hands up. "Nothing personal, but your Dad is a bit...intense."

Ellen huffed and folded her arms on the table. "Him and everyone else in this stupid school."

"Speaking of," Duela drawled. "Did Valentin really call himself a pig and chase you guys with a meat cleaver?"

Tim, Jason, Duke, and Stephanie shuddered. Dick clucked his tongue. "Man, I miss everything!"

"Go on, you said, it'll be fun, you said," Ellen muttered. "Now I'm grounded for a week and I'll have nightmares about pigs for the rest of my life! I hope you're happy Duela."

Duela shrugged. "At least your old man's letting you go to the game tonight, right?"

"Yeah, only because he's going too. It's weird. He doesn't even like football, why's he goin' to the game?"

"I told you, he and the rest of the Dork Squad are up to something!" Jason said. "Whatever it is, I can't wait to see it."

* * *

 

_5:30 PM_

_Gotham Academy Football Field_

_A Game That Will Live In Infamy_

 

Edward was the first of the trio to arrive at their agreed-upon spot at the center bleacher. After depositing Ellen at the top row, where she sat next to Duela and her parents, he made his way down to the middle row, stepping over students and other parents in the way. He took his seat on the narrow wooden bench and looked around for Jonathan and Jervis. Across the field, he saw Miguel, wearing an old luchador mask of his and standing next to a port-a-potty on the left side of the bleachers. Well, at least that part of the plan would go off without a hitch. Directly across from him, Gordon and his 'guest of honor were sitting', in deep conversation with each other. Edward rolled his eyes. So this was the infamous Bruce Wayne. Honestly, why was anyone impressed by him? So he donated money to keep this school and others in Gotham afloat. Big deal. Edward shifted a bit when he felt someone take the spot next to him. "Well, it's about time, gentle-" He turned and did a double take when he saw Penelope next to him. "I thought you didn't care for football."

"I don't," she said, brushing her bangs to the side. "I'm willing to make an exception to see Lyle Bolton get his."

Edward snorted a bit. "Vindictive, aren't we?" He liked that when it wasn't directed at him.

"I know you don't want me to be involved," she continued, "But can't you tell me what Jonathan has planned at least?"

"I can myself." Speak of the Devil, Jonathan and Jervis chose that moment to appear, taking the spots to Edward's left. "I placed a laxative in Bolton's thermos, where he usually has his energy drink."

Penelope raised an eyebrow. "That's it?"

Jonathan gestured to where Miguel was standing. "When Lyle goes off to 'take care' of his problem, Miguel will be ready and waiting for him."

Penelope's mouth opened slightly. "Oh my. That will humiliate him in front of his team, the opposing team, and everyone in attendance. It would be the talk of the school for years." She smirked then and to Edward, she'd never looked more beautiful. "His power would be completely broken. The students would never fear him again."

"That's the idea," Jonathan said. The lights came on and the marching band came out to the field, followed by the Gotham Academy Raiders and Coach Lyle Bolton himself. The whistle sounded and the game began.

* * *

 

A half hour into the game, neither team had scored and Bolton looked angry about it. "Come on, ladies! Get your heads in the game!" Even from a distance, Bruce could see the spittle fly from Bolton's mouth as he cursed at his team. Bruce narrowed his eyes. He'd heard all about Lyle Bolton from the kids, Harvey and Selina and it seemed the coach was living up to those stories.

"Bolton seems like a pleasant fellow," he drawled to Gordon.

"He's a pain in the ass," Gordon sighed. "What I wouldn't give to be rid of him."

"Strange won't fire him? Even after all the complaints?"

"Problem is, ever since Bolton became the coach, Gotham Academy's football team has won more games and championships than it had in the previous ten years. That makes donors happy, which makes Strange happy. And as long as Strange is happy, Bolton's untouchable, no matter how much of a problem he is."

Bruce nodded, then turned back to watch Bolton take a long swig out of his thermos before resuming his pacing. What caught his attention, however, was the group of people sitting in the bleacher closest to the field. Bruce recognized Jonathan Crane, Edward Nashton and Jervis Tetch, and he could see the three of them watching Bolton intently. Nashton leaned over to whisper something into Crane's ear and Bruce saw both men grin. Bruce knew that grin, having seen it on his own children's faces time after time. They were up to something. Something regarding Bolton. 

Just as Bruce was about to lean over to tell Gordon, he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, handsome. Long time no see." Bruce turned to see Selina on his left side. She gave him a wink. "Is this spot taken?"

Bruce was a bit suspicious at the timing of her appearance, but he legitimately had missed her. "Not at all." Selina took a seat, pressing herself against his side and Bruce briefly forgot about Crane, Tetch, and Nashton.

* * *

 

Bolton was beginning to sweat now, Edward noticed. And he didn't think it was exertion from watching the team fumble. "Friend Lyle doesn't look good, does he doctor?" He asked Jonathan.

"Not at all," Jonathan answered. "I'd say he looks a bit sick."

Bolton grimaced and held his stomach. "Won't be too long now chaps," Jervis chortled, clapping his hands.

Bolton let out a groan, then took another gulp from his thermos. Almost immediately, he dropped the bottle and ran across the field to the port-a-potty on the other side, dodging confused players. The crowd around the trio began muttering amongst themselves as Bolton opened, then slammed the door to the port-a-potty behind him.

"Calloo, callay!" Jervis cried out in celebration.

"Hold it," Jonathan said. "That was just part one." Edward watched Jonathan look where Miguel was standing by the port-a-potty and gave him a sharp nod. Miguel nodded in response, then backed up a few feet, before running top speed at the port-a-potty with his arms outstretched. He collided with it and with a yell, tipped it over, sending it rolling across the field, sending players and the referee scattering. Vaguely, Edward could hear the sound of Bolton screaming inside. The port-a-potty came to a stop in the center of the field, the door facing up towards the sky. For a long moment, the crowd fell silent and even Edward felt a faint twinge of concern. Bolton wasn't dead, was he? Edward was in no mood to go to jail for murder. Finally, the door opened and Bolton climbed out, filthy, but very much alive. The crowd was still silent, until somewhere a few rows behind him, Edward heard the sound of Kerr's distinctive laughter. Harley joined in, then their entire row, then another and soon, the sound of laughter filled the field. Edward began to laugh himself in amusement and triumph. Even Jonathan, stoic as he normally was, was cackling. About the people who weren't laughing now in the bleachers were Gordon, whose face was white and his jaw dropped, and Wayne, who looked at the scene with a furrowed brow.

Bolton himself stood in the center of the field, surrounded by laughing players on both teams. He actually looked for a moment like he was about to cry, a fact that made Edward laugh even harder. Then Bolton made eye contact with Edward and something changed. His fists clenched, his eyes narrowed and his face reddened. "NASHTON!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs, and the tone made a chill go down Edward's spine. It seemed Bolton had decided that he and he alone was responsible for his predicament, which was hardly fair, now was it? "NASHTON!" Bolton bellowed again and he ran right towards Edward, almost running down players in his haste.

Jonathan swore and got out of his seat. "Run Dormouse!" Jervis shrieked, running up the bleachers to relative safety. "Save yourself!"

In just five seconds, Bolton had made it across the field and Edward sprung to life. Where could he go, he couldn't go up and lead the coach to Ellen, he couldn't go right without leading him to Penelope-he settled on following Jonathan to the left, only to be grabbed by his collar and thrown into the air. Edward saw his life flash before his eyes in the two seconds he was airborne, from college to Ellen's birth, until he landed on his back, hard, on the ground. The wind was knocked out of him and he was dazed. He heard more than saw Bolton bellowing, heard Penelope screaming at Bolton to leave him alone, then Bolton came into his sight again. God, the man stunk. Edward shut his eyes and waited for Bolton's fists when he heard someone else shrieking.

"LEAVE MY DAD ALONE, YOU PSYCHO!"

Edward cracked his eyes open to see Ellen and Duela, throwing bags of popcorn, peanuts, books and whatever else they could get their hands on to get Bolton away from him. Bolton roared in anger and continued to advance on Edward, who curled himself back into a ball. Figures Jon and Jervis would leave him to suffer.

"GET OFF ME YOU DORKS!"

Edward opened his eyes again and saw that Jon and Jervis, far from abandoning him, were attempting to pull Bolton back. Attempt being the key word, as soon the pair of them were tossed aside like ragdolls. Dent came running down then, tackling Bolton, Edward vaguely saw Wayne running past him, followed by Miguel, and soon the three of them were in a brawl with Bolton. While this was going on, Edward saw Penelope, Ellen, and Duela running up to him.

"Daddy!" Ellen cried out as soon as she reached him. "Daddy, are you ok!? I don't wanna be an orphan!"

"Edward!" Penelope crouched down next to him, concern in her blue eyes and she reached down to touch his face. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes, sweetheart," Edward said in a daze. "I'm alright..."

Penelope's face flushed a bit and Ellen looked at the two of them, confused. "Wait, was he talking to me or you?"

"He better not have been talking to me," Duela huffed. Why were all of Ellen's friends' such smart asses?

Jonathan's face suddenly appeared and Edward groaned. "Oh God, I'm dead and the Devil has come for his due."

Jonathan held up his middle finger in response. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Edward chuckled. "Fuck you too, Jonathan."

Jonathan nodded. "Unfortunately for the rest of us, it looks like you'll live."

"We should still call an ambulance," Penelope argued, though she looked relieved. "He could have a concussion-"

"An ambulance has been called, as have the police," Gordon's voice cut through the daze. He looked at the people who had begun to gather around Edward's prone form with a steely glare. "You had all better have a damn good explanation for what just happened here."

 


	15. The Reckoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of the football game fiasco, Principal Strange gives the teachers a sharp reckoning.

_"Attention. All members of the faculty. This is Principal Hugo Strange. At exactly 3 pm, there will be a staff meeting in the teacher's lounge. Attendance is mandatory. Any faculty member not in attendance will face immediate disciplinary action. That is all."_

The Monday after the football game was cold and overcast, which was a perfect fit for the mood of Gotham Academy's faculty. Edward was absent, recovering from admittingly minor injuries he'd sustained during the football game. Bolton was too, and the rumors among the student body speculated that after being publically humiliated, having his ass handed to him by Harvey Dent, Señor Bane, and Bruce Wayne of all people, and being taken away by the cops, he'd suffered some kind of nervous breakdown. Whatever the truth was, he wouldn't be back at Gotham Academy any time soon. Normally, this would be welcome news to the faculty, but after Friday's events, there was instead the sinking feeling among them that they had finally gone too far.

After the last bell rang and classes were finished for the day, the teachers all began to assemble in the teacher's lounge, silently taking their seats around the tables. Jonathan was the last to arrive, taking an empty spot by Jervis and Harley. When he took his seat, Pamela, sitting across from him next to Selina, broke the silence.

"I hope you realize that anything Gordon does to us is on you," she hissed, jabbing her finger at him. "You and your juvenile prank!" Jonathan took a quick glance around the room and saw many of the other members of the faculty were equally angry at him. He shrugged.

"Oh really now, Pamela dear, that's hardly fair," Jervis spoke up.

She rounded on him with fury. "Don't you say a word!" Jervis paled and nodded silently. "Nashton should thank his lucky stars he's not here," she continued. "Or I'd make him wish Bolton had finished him off!"

"If it's any consolation," Jonathan drawled, unmoved by her display. "I'm prepared to take full responsibility for what happened at the game."

"That's not good enough," Harvey barked. "We were already on thin ice before you pulled your jackass stunt at the game! And even if you could talk Gordon out of anything, Bruce isn't going to forget what he saw! He'll talk to the rest of the school board!"

"What do you care?" Jonathan asked. "Aren't you friends with Wayne?"

Harvey banged a fist on the table. "Not the fucking point, Crane!"

"Now, now, Harv, mind your blood pressure," Kerr scolded. He then turned to Jonathan with a hurt look on his face. "Jonny, I'm crushed! Crushed I say! You had a plan to humiliate Bolton at the game and you didn't include _moi_?"

"If he had, you would have made things even worse," Pamela growled. "Men. I'm so sick of dealing with you! Maybe Gordon will finally give you what you deserve."

At that moment, Gordon himself walked in, flanked by Kristen, both with worried expressions on their faces. "It's out of my hands now," Gordon said. He gave Jonathan and Jervis an anguished look. "For the love of God, did you have to pull that stunt when Wayne was here? There's no way I can sweep it under the rug now!"

"You've known Bolton's been a problem for years," Penelope argued in a cold tone of voice. "Maybe if you or Strange had actually done something about him, we wouldn't have had to!"

"What happened to Bolton was assault, Young!" Gordon shouted. "His being the biggest jackass on campus doesn't make what happened to him right or legal! Christ, the only reason Crane, Tetch, and Nashton aren't facing charges is that Bolton declined to press any in exchange for Nashton not pressing an assault complaint against him!" Gordon sank into a chair with a hand over his face. "I'm getting too old for this."

"So, send Jonny, Jervy, and Eddie off to their rooms without any supper," Kerr said, once again propping his feet up on the desk. "Why are the rest of us even here?"

"Puddin's right. We didn't have anything to do with it! Why are we getting the third degree?"

"Because, Ms. Quinzel," a booming voice sounded from the doorway. "I requested everyone's presence." A chill went down the spine of every person in the room when Principal Strange entered, taking stock of them and clearly finding them lacking. When was the last time Strange had deigned to attend a staff meeting? A year? Two? If he was here, then it meant that they had seriously fucked up this time. He clucked his tongue and shook his head. "One simple task," he said. "You were given one simple task. Behave as befits your positions for a single day. Was that too much to ask? Was that too complicated an instruction? Or are you simply incapable of behaving like anything other than animals?"

"Principal Strange," Jonathan said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I take full responsibility-"

"As well you should," Strange interrupted. "But it isn't that simple anymore. Mr. Wayne was most unamused by what he witnessed Friday night. He has informed me that not only is he requesting the rest of the school board conduct an inspection of the grounds, but that the superintendent himself come."

The room became so silent that one could hear the sound of a pin drop. "Superintendent al Ghul?" Selina finally spoke. "He's coming?"

"He most certainly is Ms. Kyle. And while he is well aware that you cannot be fired, he is in a position to see that resources are cut, pay is cut and certain among you may be transferred to other institutions, should you displease him."

"He can't separate us!" Harley wailed, grabbing a hold of Kerr's arm. "We're like a family!"

"He can and he will! I almost hope that he does. It would be the least that you deserve, after all that you've put this academy through. So consider this your final warning. The school board and Superintendent al Ghul will be here Wednesday. I suggest you find it in yourselves to behave or suffer the consequences. Inform Mr. Nashton of this as well, when he feels like showing himself. That is all." And with that, he left, leaving a shell-shocked room behind him.

Harley turned to Jonathan with wide blue eyes. "Jonny! What'll we do!?"

Jonathan shook his head. "I don't know, child."

"I hope getting revenge on Bolton was worth it," Pamela snarled. "You've doomed us all!"

Kerr sniffed. "Well, this was fun while it lasted."

Jervis sighed. "We're so fucked it's unbelievable."

 

 


	16. The Monthly Doctor's 'Conference'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the monthly Doctor's 'Conference', certain members of the faculty make decisions.

The Tuesday night before the arrival of Superintendent al Ghul and his entourage saw Jonathan, Pamela, Harley, Penelope, Victor Fries, and Kirk Langstrom all gathered around a table in the Teacher's Lounge for the monthly Doctor's 'Conference'. Except the 'conference' was actually a poker game that only those who held PhDs were allowed to participate in. It had been a long-standing tradition that predated even Strange's tenure as principal, hence why he'd never bothered to get rid of it.

At the head of the table, Victor dealt the cards. "The usual rules apply, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps tonight, someone other than a psychiatrist will win."

"Not a chance," Harley crowed, eagerly looking at her cards. "I'm gonna beat the pants off of ya!"

"What's the prize tonight?" Pamela asked. "Better not be a tie again."

Victor reached into the bag by his feet and pulled out a bottle of fine red wine. He placed it in the center of the table and Harley let out an appreciative whistle. "Nice. Now I'm definitely gonna win!"

"We'll see," Jonathan said. "We'll see. Who's hand is it?"

"Mine," Kirk said. He looked at his cards and grimaced, which made Jonathan cluck his tongue. 

"You can't exactly complain about losing to psychiatrists all the time when you make it this easy for us."

"Not now Jon," Kirk said. He frowned, then placed three cards back into the stack before taking a three more. "I've got enough on my mind as is. Francine wants me to start putting in applications to other schools and universities ahead of tomorrow." He threw a red chip into the pot.

"Nora's expressed some concern to me as well," Victor said, reviewing his own cards. "She's become rather fond of Gotham. She doesn't want to leave." He peered over his cards to look at Jonathan and Penelope. "Have you informed Nashton?"

"We did," Jonathan answered, taking a card from the deck after Victor had finished. "He tried to get us to sign him a doctor's note excusing him from tomorrow."

Pamela made a disgusted noise. "Coward."

"Jonathan," Penelope asked after reviewing her cards. "Do you still have that whiskey?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"May I have some?"

Jonathan nodded, pulling the half-empty bottle from his bag and setting it on the table. Penelope grabbed the bottle and took a long swig out of it.

"Whoa, take it easy Penny," Harley said. "That stuff'll knock you out."

Penelope finished her drink, then shot Harley a long-suffering look. "I had to listen to Jason Todd go on for over an hour about how Bruce Wayne was ruining his life and how he was going to make him pay. I've _earned_ that whiskey."

Harley cringed. "Yeesh. Jason. He's a nice kid, really, but he could write the book on Daddy Issues." She took a look at her own cards and her eyes lit up. "I'm bettin'!"

"Now who's making it easy?" Pamela grumbled. 

The other players made their bets, only to not be surprised in the slightest when Harley won with a squeal of delight. "Who's turn is it to deal?" Kirk asked.

"Mine," Jonathan answered. He dealt cards to everyone around the table then sat back.

Penelope interrupted the game by asking a question. "Just how bad is Superintendent al Ghul?"

Harley gave her a surprised look before settling back down. "I keep forgettin' how new you are here, Penny. Anyway, Superintendent al Ghul is the absolute worst. He's some old school, hardline guy. His family's like this seven-hundred-year-old line of princes or somethin' from Saudi Arabia. They run a big global company. He used to be the top dog himself before he decided to take a step back and 'improve the minds of the future generations."

"He wants to use the school system to promote his vision of the world," Victor added. "He was the one who hired Strange. That should tell you all you need to know."

"And one more thing!" Harley said. "You know Wayne's youngest?"

"Damian? By reputation, yes," Penelope answered. "Whenever Jason's not complaining about Bruce, he's usually complaining about Damian."

"Well, Damian's Mom is al Ghul's daughter," Harley said. "So yeah, he and Wayne are kind of tight." Penelope grabbed Jonathan's whiskey bottle and took another long swig. Harley shook her head. "This sucks that he had to show up now, just when you and Eddie were finally startin' to go out."

Penelope nearly choked on the whiskey, which prompted Jonathan to pat her on the back. She put the bottle down and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Dating-me and Edward-we are absolutely not dating, Harley!"

Harley arched an eyebrow. "No? Then how come you rode with him to the hospital?"

Penelope looked back down at her cards, willing the flush on her face to go away to no avail. "That doesn't mean I have any feelings for him. Jonathan and Tetch were making their statements to the police and Ellen was almost hysterical. She needed an adult with her. That's all."

"She didn't look that hysterical to me. She and Dent's daughter were takin' pictures of the whole thing on their phones," Jonathan piped up, which earned him a glare. 

Harley, as always, wasn't about to give up that easily. "Oh come on, Penny! Don't act like I haven't caught you taking a look at Eddie's-"

Kirk held up a hand. "Please, Harley, don't finish that sentence."

Penelope's face was burning hot now. "I haven't-that still doesn't mean anything Harley."

Harley gave her a sneaky look. "Yeah, right. Besides, everyone and their mother knows that Eddie's crazy about ya! You two just make sense!"

Penelope dropped her cards on the table. "He...is?"

The rest of the table gave her a wide-eyed look, even stoic Victor. "He's been pining for you the second he laid eyes on you," Pamela said slowly as if she was speaking to a child. "You really didn't know?"

"He ain't exactly been subtle about it either," Jonathan grumbled, taking advantage of the distraction to sneak a peek at Penelope's cards before discarding one of his own. "He's been a goddamn nuisance."

Harley brought a hand up to her face. "Geez Louise, Penny! I thought all this time you were just playin' hard to get!"

"I thought you actually had taste," Pamela added.

Penelope quickly gathered her cards. "He's been absolutely insufferable half the time towards me from the moment I started here, how was I supposed to know?"

Pamela reviewed her cards before throwing a few chips in the pot. "Yes, well, Edward unfortunately never graduated above pulling a girl's pigtails when he liked them. How that man managed to find someone willing to have his child is a mystery I'll never be able to solve."

Kirk and Victor exchanged a long-suffering look. "Aren't you glad we're not still in the dating scene, Vic?"

"Immeasurably," Victor answered. "Is anyone else betting?"

"I am," Penelope added. "Now, can we please just get back to the game?"

"Nuh uh," Harley said, throwing another chip in. "So now you know. What're you gonna do?"

Penelope showed her hand. Full house. She took a breath. "Before I do anything, I want to hear it from Edward himself."

"You better hurry then. After al Ghul gets through with us, you might not get another chance!" Harley sighed. "We might all get separated. You and Eddie. Jonny, Eddie, and Jervis. Me, Red, and Lina." She let out a sniffle. "Me and Mistah J!"

Pamela rolled her eyes. "How is it that two trained psychiatrists," she pointed at Penelope and Harley, "Can't tell when someone is in love with them and when someone isn't?"

"Oh, lay off of Mistah J, Red! We're takin' it slow, that's all!"

"More like glacial," Jonathan said. 

"Whatever," Harley grumbled. "At least he's not takin' al Ghul lying down!"

This actually piqued Jonathan's interest. "Oh? What's the Clown got planned this time?"

Harley grinned. "He said that if he's gonna get punished anyway, he's gonna go out on his own terms! He's just gonna be himself tomorrow!"

Pamela opened her mouth to respond when a determined look came over her face. She put her cards down. "I can't believe I'm saying this," she said. "But I actually agree with him. Strange, Wayne, al Ghul and everyone else on the school board has had it out for us for years. Why not end it on our terms?"

Jonathan played with his pile of chips before he nodded. "Yeah. You're right. If not now, then they'll get us at some point. Might as well go out swingin'."

Victor raised an eyebrow. "That may all be well and good for you lot, but some of us have spouses and families to consider."

"You can be good little sheep if you like," Pamela said. "But some of us would like to keep our dignity intact."

Harley clapped her hands. "Yeah! Fight the power! Are you in, Penny?"

"I'm not sure," she said quietly, obviously still thinking about someone else entirely. "But you do what you think is right."

"First thing's first," Kirk said. "Let's win this wine."

 

 


	17. Superintendent al Ghul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Superintendent al Ghul arrives at Gotham Academy and the author shamelessly rips off The Simpsons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two stories updated back to back! When has that ever happened?

On Wednesday morning, at 8 AM on the dot, Strange and Gordon had the faculty and senior staff of Gotham Academy lined up outside the school's front gates. The two principals marched in front of the faculty, much like generals inspecting their troops. In the center of the line, Edward stood next to Penelope. "So that's the plan?" he asked her. "Just be our charming selves for the day?"

"That's what Pamela, Harley, and Jonathan decided," Penelope said. "I think they talked to Dent and Selina. Well, at least Harley and Pamela did."

"Yes, I notice that Jonathan is conspicuously absent. What did you do to him at the 'conference' last night?"

"He won a bottle of red wine."

"And he overindulged. Typical Jonathan." Edward looked at Penelope and noticed that she was fidgeting with her hands. "Nervous? I didn't think anything rattled you."

"Yes-no-well," Penelope took a breath. "There's something I needed to talk to you about."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I am aware that joining in Jonathan's plan was a bad idea. I had the concussion to prove it, thank you very much."

Penelope let out an irritated sigh. "That wasn't what I wanted to talk about! God, why are you so-"

"Charming?"

"Impossible," Penelope finished. "You're impossible."

Edward looked again and realized just how flustered the normally cool as a cucumber counselor was. "Sorry," he said. "What did you want to talk about?"

Penelope flushed a bit. "Meet me in my office at lunch."

Edward cocked his head, then nodded. "Alright." 

Strange's booming voice interrupted their moment. "Now that we are all assembled-" he paused, then his face darkened when he realized Jonathan's absence. "Where is Crane!?"

Jervis stepped forward, trembling a bit in the face of Strange's fury. "March Hare-excuse me, Jonathan, said that he would be a bit late. He's feeling under the weather."

Strange took a deep breath. "Fine," he said. "As long as he actually arrives. As for the rest of you," he raised his voice. "I don't think I need to remind you of the consequences should you decide to misbehave today."

A shudder ran through half of the staff. The other half, Kerr, Dent, and the Sirens included stared back at Strange defiantly. "We're well aware," Pamela said. "Now, is there a purpose to us being lined up here other than a power trip for you, Strange?"

Strange chuckled lowly. "Of course, Dr. Isley. When the Superintendent and the school board arrive, they'll see for themselves just how orderly you can be, given the correct incentive."

"Principal Strange," Kristen tapped him on the shoulder. "The Superintendent is here!"

Strange, for the first time anyone could remember looked, flustered. "He's here! My God! All of you behave or so help me-" A large black limousine pulled up to the front entrance of the school, followed closely by what Harvey and Selina recognized as Bruce's car. A large man popped out of the driver's seat and opened the rear passenger door. Out emerged a tall, well-built man with a neatly trimmed grey beard and striking green eyes. A black cape billowed around him as he made his way up to the assembled faculty. This was Superintendent al Ghul. And he looked less than impressed.

"Oh geez," Harley gulped. "He's wearin' the cape! We really are in trouble!"

Strange and Gordon stepped forward to greet al Ghul. "Good morning, Superintendent al Ghul," Strange spoke in an almost servile tone.

"Good morning indeed," al Ghul huffed. "I have important matters to attend to! This visit had better not be a waste of my and the board's time!"

"I can assure you, it isn't," Bruce said, walking up to join them. He and al Ghul shared a brief glare before he spoke again. "I have serious concerns about how the faculty behaves at this school."

Selina nudged Harvey's side. "Bruce and al Ghul don't get along?"

"al Ghul never forgave Bruce for not marrying Talia," Harvey explained. "They can't stand each other."

Selina rubbed her chin in thought. Bad blood between Bruce and al Ghul. They could exploit that somehow. Sorry, Bruce, but Selina liked being gym teacher here. 

"Very well," al Ghul sighed. He began to walk down the line. "Most of you I've met before. Dent. Kyle. Isley. Quinzel," his face curdled in displeasure. "Kerr. Fries. Langstrom, Harris. Dorrance. Tetch," his eyes narrowed. "Nashton." Edward gave him a jaunty wave. al Ghul rolled his eyes, then paused when he saw Penelope. "Ms-"

"Dr. Young," she said matter of fact. "I'm a guidance counselor."

"Oh yes," al Ghul said with a nod. "You replaced Kellerman when he retired. Hopefully, your tenure won't involve getting into a fistfight with another member of faculty over a bag of corn chips." He turned to Strange and Gordon. "Speaking of which, where is Crane?"

Tetch let out a squeak and pointed towards the parking lot. All eyes followed. Penelope let out a gasp. Edward had to stop himself from laughing. Gordon wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Walking up to the entrance, or rather, swaying, wearing a hideous, ill-fitting brown suit and singing an old gospel song, was Jonathan Crane. Selina quickly turned and gave Pamela and Harley a look. "That game was last night, how can he still be this drunk?"

Pamela shrugged. "He only drank half the wine last night. He probably drank the other half this morning."

Selina pinched the bridge of her nose. "Terrific."

Jonathan stopped when he reached al Ghul, Strange, Gordon, and Bruce. He cocked his head to both sides as if considering the men before him. Then he gave al Ghul an awkward salute. "Mornin' Supernintendo al Ghul!" Jonathan then leaned over and puked, narrowly missing al Ghul's alligator leather shoes.

"Good God!" al Ghul shouted, leaping back. He took one smell and his face curdled. "You reek of liquor!"

Jonathan ignored him, instead giving a wave to the gathered faculty. "Mornin' children! How're Y'all?"

"Nice to see his southern drawl is in full force," Edward muttered. "He really is three sheets to the wind."

"Dormouse," Jervis whined. "He'll hurt himself!"

"Fine," Edward sighed. He and Jervis stepped forward and each man took one of Jonathan's arms. "Come on, Jon. Time to sober up."

"We'll have him right as rain," Jervis said, tipping his hat to al Ghul. "Right as rain!" He and Edward practically dragged Jonathan into the building. al Ghul then glared at Gordon and Strange.

"Beautiful," Harvey groused. "The school board hasn't even gotten here and we're fucked."

"Do you normally allow your faculty to show up drunk?" al Ghul demanded.

"Absolutely not," Gordon answered.

"My children have frequently told me that Crane brings whiskey to school grounds," Bruce stated.

al Ghul took a deep breath. "I see," he said. "I see. Are there any more surprises I should be aware of?"

Strange spoke again, holding his hands up in supplication. "None, Superintendent. Crane will be appropriately disciplined, but everyone else will be well-behaved." He turned his rictus grin to the remaining faculty. "Correct?"

Pamela smirked. "Of course, Principal Strange. We'll be as professional as we always are, right Harley?"

"Right a Roonie!"

Gordon felt sick to his stomach. _Five more years until retirement. Five more years until retirement..._ The hell with that, actually. As soon as Barbara graduated next May, he was gone.

"Very well," al Ghul said. "The rest of the school board will be arriving by 9 am. At that time, we will be conducting a tour of the school grounds. We will be dropping in on classes to observe you at work. Anyone else who chooses to behave in as disgraceful a manner as Crane will be sharing his fate. Any questions?"

Kerr immediately raised his hand. "Yoo-hoo! I've got one!"

al Ghul grimaced. "What is it, Kerr?"

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

al Ghul's left eyebrow began to twitch. "What relevance does that question have here!?"

"You asked for any questions, Superintendent! You didn't say they had to be relevant!" Kerr threw his head back and laughed.

It was only 8:15 AM. 


	18. An Inauspicious Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Superintendent al Ghul sits in on a PE class and meets Neil. Neither goes well.

By 9:15 am, all of the School Board had arrived at Gotham Academy and had begun their tour of the school. Oswald Cobblepot, Veronica Vreeland, Lucius Fox, Oliver Queen, Sofia Falcone, and Thomas Elliot joined al Ghul, Bruce, Gordon and Strange and the group was right now sitting in on Selina Kyle's morning gym class.

Selina wore tight gym leggings just for the occasion.

"I start off the students with basic exercises before we start our sport," she explained to the board as her students did their calisthenics on the blacktop in front of the softball field. "I change it up every four weeks. Right now, we're about two weeks into our softball unit."

Bruce nodded. Selina, along with Harvey, was one of the faculty members he had no real issue with, except perhaps for her taste in friends. Strange, however, had as little regard for her as he did for everyone else. It had occurred to him that al Ghul's visit was a perfect way to clean house. "Wasn't your last 'sport' billiards?"

"Billiards?" Vreeland asked. "You were teaching children to shoot pool?"

Selina shrugged. "Pool's as much a sport as volleyball or golf. Frankly, the kids enjoyed it a lot more than golf."

"I don't see the issue in teaching the children games like billiards," Bruce defended. "As long as there was no gambling going on."

There had been, but Selina wasn't about to admit that. "Of course not. I'm a dedicated professional. I'd never dream of corrupting my students like that," she purred. She didn't miss Bruce flushing a bit at her tone. Or the fact that al Ghul had noticed Bruce's flush and was now watching him like a hawk. Selina smirked a bit. As much as she didn't like the idea of serving up Bruce to al Ghul, she liked the idea of her or her friends being transferred even less. If she had to pit Bruce and al Ghul against each other to ensure that didn't happen, then so be it. She clapped her hands together. "Ok kids, line up against the fence!" Her students ran up against the fence and faced the adults, waiting for her next instructions. "I'm going to count you off. All ones will be infield, all twos outfield. All clear?" Selina counted them off and the students took their places in the softball field. Selina turned her head and gave Bruce a nod. "Would you like to throw out the first pitch?"

al Ghul interrupted Bruce before he could speak. "No, I believe that we've seen enough for now. We should get going." His tone was final and the principals and school board members moved to obey him. All but Bruce. He rubbed the back of his head and looked apologetically at her.

"Catch you later?"

Selina chuckled, then grabbed ahold of his red silk tie. "If you can."

Bruce smiled a bit, but the moment was interrupted by al Ghul's harsh yell. "Wayne! Are you coming? You're the one who insisted on bringing us out here!"

Bruce glared a bit but moved to follow al Ghul. Selina gave him a wink as he left and delighted in the dark look on al Ghul's face. 

* * *

 

The tension between Wayne and al Ghul was palpable as the group entered the main school building. "I think we should visit choir next," Gordon suggested. "Neil's class is just down this hall, room 302." 

"Very well," al Ghul said. "Perhaps a bit of music will put everyone in a better mood." Gordon breathed a sigh of relief, then guided the group towards Neil's classroom, passing by Tetch'sand Dent's classrooms. 

"What kind of teacher is Harris?" Cobbepot asked. "I've heard rumors that he doesn't speak, he only sings."

"Those rumors are greatly exaggerated," Gordon said, allowing himself to relax a bit. "Honestly, Neil's one of the more well-behaved teachers here. This is room 302. Let's drop in." Gordon opened the door and the group filed in, just in time to hear Neil singing a song to his eager students. Gordon smiled a bit and enjoyed Neil's voice.

**"Hey pal, feeling blue? Don't know what to do? Hey pal, I mean you! Yeah! Come here and kill a President!"**

Gordon slapped his hand against his forehead. God. Damn it. "What!?" al Ghul shouted.

Undaunted, Neil continued. **"No job? Cupboard bare? One room, no one there? Hey, pal, don't despair-You wanna shoot a president?"**

"Neil!" Gordon shouted. "We've talked about this! No _Assassins_!"

Neil stopped, then stamped his foot. "But Gordon!" he whined. "You promised we could do Sondheim for our Fall concert!"

"Yes, I did," Gordon argued. "But not _Assassins_! Pick something more family friendly! Do _Into the Woods_ or _West Side Story_!"

Neil crossed his arms and glared at Gordon, ignoring how increasingly uncomfortable the school board members were becoming. "I don't want to do _Into the Woods_ or _West Side Story_! We always have to do _Into the Woods_ or _West Side Story_! What about _Sweeney Todd_? 

"Neil, if I'm not going to let you do _Assassins_ , I'm sure as Hell not going to let you do _Sweeney Todd_!" 

"What about _A Little Night Music_?" Cobblepot suggested. "There are numbers in there that aren't as risque-"

At that suggestion, Neil slowly turned to face the group. They as one stepped back when they noticed that his eyebrow was twitching. "If I," he seethed through clenched teeth, "Have to sit through 'Send in the Clowns', _one more time_ , I will do something _not nice_!"

al Ghul stepped forward then. "Stop this right now!" he demanded. "You're behaving like a child! You will do as Vice Principal says, or I will personally make sure you won't be putting on any concert ever again!"

Neil's reaction to this wasn't what anyone expected. At first, his face turned bright red. Then he burst into tears. "I give so much," he sobbed. "And I ask for so little! I try to bring joy in people's lives by singing, and I'm told to shut up! Choir and drama don't get even half of what the athletics department gets, and I can't even choose what kind of music to put on! It's not fair!"

The principals and school board members looked at each other, no one quite sure what to say or do. Finally, Vreeland walked up to Neil, putting a hand on his shoulder. "There, there," she said. "I'm sure we can come to some kind of compromise."

"I never wanted to be a teacher anyway," Neil sniffled. 

Gordon was instantly on edge. "Neil," he warned.

"Oh?" Vreeland asked, plying right into Neil's hands. "What did you want to be?"

Neil grinned in triumph. "I wanted to be a lumberjack! **Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!** "

"Is he really doing this?" Fox asked Wayne.

"Yes," Wayne sighed. "Yes, he is."

" **With my best students by my side!** " Neil continued on. " **We'd sing! Sing! Sing! Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay! I sleep all night! I work all day!** "

On cue, his students joined in.  **"He's a lumberjack and he's okay! He sleeps all night and he works all day!"**

Vreeland slowly backed away. "My God. He's insane."

"I think we've seen quite enough," al Ghul seethed. "Let's go." The group walked out, leaving Neil and his students to their singing. As soon as Gordon had shut the door behind them, al Ghul turned on him. "And you say that man is one of your better-behaved teachers!? That doesn't fill me with any confidence about the rest of the faculty whatsoever!"

Gordon wished he hadn't downed the last of his aspirin that morning. He had a feeling he'd need it. "Let's stop by Mr. Goodman's history class."


	19. Fraternization Policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Superintendent al Ghul does not care for Ellen and Duela's comic and Edward and Penelope finally get on the same page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something special for Valentine's Day. I regret nothing.

It had taken the better part of four hours holding Jonathan under a shower in the boy's locker room for the man to, somewhat, sober up. Edward and Jervis had deposited him in the nurse's office and went their separate ways when the lunch bell rang, Jervis off to the teacher's lounge, Edward to the guidance counselor's offices. Or rather, to one guidance counselor's office in particular. He passed Harley on her way out and she gave him a wink and a thumbs up. This made him even more nervous. Yes, nervous. Anyone might have thought he'd consider a private meeting with Penelope Young his due, but the truth was, Ellen's existence notwithstanding, he'd never really had an easy time talking with women. So for a long moment, he stood outside of Penelope's door and hesitated. What could she have to say to him? She'd been cold to him since they'd met at best, outright antagonistic to him at worst. It had only been in the past week that she'd shown any sign that she liked him. He took a deep breath, then knocked three times on her door.

"Yes?"

 Edward steeled himself. Here went nothing. “It’s me,” he said.

There was a brief pause before Penelope responded. “Come in, Edward.”

Edward reached down to straighten his tie before he entered the office. Penelope sat behind her desk, pen in hand. Edward could see a notebook in front of her, which she closed as he approached. "You said you wanted to talk," Edward said. "Well, here I am. What did you want to talk about?"

He watched as Penelope brushed her fingers through her bangs. A nervous habit, he'd noticed. One of the many things he'd noticed about her. "Harley and Pamela told me something at the poker game last night," she said at last. She looked up at him then and Edward noticed that she looked almost...hopeful? Must be a trick of the light. "They told me that you're in love with me."

Edward's world stopped turning at that precise moment and a chill went down his spine. "T-they-did they now?" Goddamn them both. This wasn't how he wanted her to find out. 

Penelope cocked her head slightly, her expression as blank as usual. "Are you?"

Edward could deny it, but he'd never been a good liar. "Yes."

Penelope looked almost taken aback. "You-you are?" Then the professional mask slipped back into place. "How long?"

Edward began to pick at the sleeve of his dress shirt. "Since I met you."

Penelope looked less than convinced by that. "Seriously?"

"Alright," Edward admitted. "I've been attracted to you since I met you. I knew I was in love with you the moment I saw you take Valentin down with your taser."

Penelope's mask fell again and she gaped at him for a long moment. "You-I-" then her face flushed and she looked almost angry at him. "Why didn't you ever say anything!?"

"What, was I supposed to come marching up to you and start slobbering over you like that cretin Bolton?" Edward said defensively. "I was slowly wooing you using my intellectual charms-"

"You were playing games because you were afraid of being rejected," Penelope finished, getting up from behind her desk. "I can't believe you! All this time, I thought you tolerated me at best, when we could have been-" she cut off, covering her mouth.

"'Could have been' what exactly?" Edward asked. Wait. Wait a minute. "You mean to tell me that you-how long have you-"

"I didn't fall for you at first sight or anything like that," she said quickly. "But...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't...attracted to you too, when you're not being an ass at least."

Edward felt his own jaw drop. She was attracted to him? That explained why she seemed to have his schedule memorized, how even though she was frequently irritated by him, she didn't shy away from being in his company. Then his own elation turned to irritation. "Why didn't you ever say anything!?"

"Becuase until a week ago, I didn't know if you even liked me!" Penelope shouted, walking up to him. "You seemed to delight in finding new ways to be obnoxious-"

"I'm like that with everyone!" he shouted back. "That's just who I am! Believe me, if I didn't like you, you'd know it!"

"That still didn't mean you couldn't have been honest with me!"

"Likewise!"

Penelope was about an inch away from him, fuming. "You are," she said in a low tone. "The most impossible person I've ever met, Edward Nashton." She grabbed a hold of his tie and yanked him down. "And I need you to kiss me."

Edward blinked once. He had heard that, hadn't he? "What?"

Penelope made an exasperated noise. "I don't want to waste any more time. We might not get another chance. Please."

Edward had both of his arms around her in a moment. "Alright." Then he leaned in.

* * *

 

"Well, I have to say, this morning could have gone worse," Gordon said with a confidence he didn't feel. 

"Well, it certainly could have gone better," al Ghul said. "I thought you said that Dent had completed anger management!"

"He did," Bruce defended. 

"Then why did he call that boy in his class a son of a bitch, a pipsqueak and a mad dog!?"

Gordon bit his lip. "In his defense, Machin has been a disciplinary problem since he was a freshman-"

"That doesn't excuse Dent using that language," al Ghul said with a finality that no one dared to speak against.

"Anyway," Vreeland said, clapping her hands together. "It's lunchtime. Let's go out in the quad."

The group moved through the still vacant cafeteria and into the outdoor quad, where most of the students chose to eat, given that the food trucks were still there. One crowded table caught their attention. As they moved closer, Bruce recognized Dick, Tim, Cas, and Barbara. "Hey kids," he said in greeting. 

The group looked up as one and Bruce noticed that Harvey's daughter Duela and Nashton's daughter were at the center of the table. Nashton's daughter was scribbling away at something. "Hi, Bruce!" Tim waved. The other children gave polite greetings.

al Ghul nodded slightly at Nashton's daughter. "You're Edward Nashton's daughter, aren't you? The resemblance is striking."

The girl nodded. "Yeah. My name's Ellen."

"What are you drawing, Ellen?" Gordon asked.

"Nothing," she said a bit too quickly. 

al Ghul frowned a bit. "It's not obscene, is it?"

"No!" Ellen shouted before remembering exactly who she was talking to. "It's for a comic Duela and I are making."

"The girls are very creative," Gordon explained. "Why don't you go ahead and show us?" Ellen and Duela exchanged a long look with each other before Duela shrugged. Ellen slid the paper over to Gordon. He took one look and his eyes nearly bugged out. "Oh my."

Bruce looked over his shoulder at the drawing and read the captions out loud. "Beautiful Captain Zodiac Sparkles and the Perils of the Perverted, Perfidious Professor Pyg?" The drawing was of a girl in fishnet stockings, steel-toed boots and a tight-fighting top doing battle with a grotesque figure holding a meat cleaver and wearing a pig mask. "This is based on Valentin, I take it?"

"Dad said we couldn't use Coach Bolton as the villain anymore," Duela explained. "So we had to make a new villain."

"And just why do you think it's appropriate to draw comics casting members of the faculty as villains?" al Ghul asked.

"Because one of them chased me with a meat cleaver, that's why!" Ellen argued. The other kids at the table said nothing, but Bruce caught Tim nodding in agreement.

al Ghul glared at Strange. "Is that true?"

"The situation has already been handled," Strange said. "I don't think this comic is appropriate, girls."

Duela rolled her eyes. "First we couldn't use Toxic Masculinity, now we can't use Professor Pyg? Lonnie was right, you guys are all a bunch of fascists!"

"'Toxic Masculinity'?" al Ghul repeated. "You drew Coach Bolton in your comic and named him 'Toxic Masculinity?"

"It's what he is," Ellen said. "Ms. Isley said so."

al Ghul took the comic from Bruce. "And your fathers know that you've been creating this?"

"Yeah," Ellen said. "My Dad says as long as he doesn't get sued for libel, he doesn't care."

"He would say that," al Ghul muttered. "Well, we'll just see what your guidance counselor has to say about this, young lady!" al Ghul turned on his heel and stormed back towards the school's interior, the principals and the school board scurrying behind him. It wasn't until the group had entered the cafeteria that it occurred to Bruce that Jason was absent from the table.

* * *

 

"Dr. Young's office is just down here," Gordon said, taking the lead as they walked down the hall that led to the guidance counselor's offices.

"What kind of counselor is she?" al Ghul asked. 

"Oh, she's terrific. Very professional. Never had a complaint about her," Gordon said.

"So in other words, she's the opposite of Dr. Quinzel. Good," al Ghul said. The group had just arrived outside of her door when they heard a thump come from inside.

"What was that?" Falcone asked. A muffled groan came from inside the office and Gordon felt sick. He opened the door wide anyway. "Oh, good Lord!"

As soon as the door opened, they were greeted by the sight of Dr. Young perched in the lap of a shirtless Edward Nashton who was sitting on top of her desk. Both looked flushed and their hair was loose. Vreeland made a scandalized noise and left the room, along with Falcone. Strange and al Ghul looked like they were about to have an aneurysm. Nashton, for his part, kept his arms tight around Dr. Young's waist and gave the group a look of bored irritation. "Do you mind? We're on our lunch break."

This quip seemed to bring al Ghul to life. "What is the explanation for this!?"

Nashton shrugged. "Does paradise need an explanation, Superintendent?"

al Ghul's face turned dark red from anger, but Strange saw an opportunity. Nashton had given him the perfect excuse to send the irritant packing. "You do realize," he said in a slow tone, "That this is in violation of our fraternization policy? Faculty and staff are forbidden from having relations with each other."

Dr. Young looked like she was about to say something when Nashton interrupted once again. "We're well aware." He then turned his gaze to Bruce and let out a smirk. "Fraternization between members of the faculty and the school board is forbidden too, right Bruce?"

Bruce felt his face burn. That son of a bitch. al Ghul turned and gave Bruce a sharp look. "You and that gym teacher! I knew it! You whoremonger!" Then he did something unexpected. He backhanded Bruce. 

"Superintendent!" Gordon cried out. Bruce took a deep breath to keep himself from retaliating. All the while, Nashton looked on smug, while Dr. Young looked somewhat scandalized. al Ghul stormed out of the office, Elliott, Fox, and Queen following. Bruce then glared at Nashton. If nothing else, at least one of the teachers would finally be removed-

"Edward! It's been forever! Nice to see you're doing well!"

Cobblepot stepped forward and Nashton let out a grin. "Ozzie!"

'Ozzie?' Bruce and Gordon exchanged a long-suffering look when they realized what this meant. Cobblepot and Nashton were friends. Nashton, and by extension, Young, Crane, and Tetch, probably, were untouchable. 

"Well, let's not take up too much more of your time," Oswald chuckled. "Do feel free to bring your lady to the Iceberg Lounge. Drinks are on me!" Oswald let out another laugh. "You incorrigible young rascal!"

"See you soon, you old crook," Edward laughed. Oswald walked out, leaving the principals and Wayne no choice but to follow him. Wayne shot him one final glare before he slammed the office door shut behind him. Edward shook his head. "Well, that was amusing."

"If you say so," Penelope sighed. "You never told me you knew Oswald Cobblepot."

"Oh, Ozzie and I go way back. He got me my first programming job. And in my defense darling, you never asked."

Penelope raised an eyebrow. "Darling?"

Edward felt a bit flustered. "Well, I'm assuming that you want more than just a single furtive groping session in your office. Right?"

In response, Penelope got off of his lap and walked towards her office door. Edward's heart sank. Then he watched her lock it. She turned back towards him with a heated look in her eyes. "We still have fifteen minutes left for lunch break, you don't have computer lab until 1:30 and I cleared my calendar for the rest of the afternoon." She then slowly began to unbutton her blouse and Edward's brain shut down. "I'd say we're going to go a bit past a single session, Eddie."

Where had she been all his life?

 

 

 

 


	20. The Final Straw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Superintendent al Ghul and the school board sit in on Pam and Kerr's classes.

Not a word was spoken by the members of the school board as they walked down the hall, but all could see that Superintendent al Ghul was fuming. They reached Strange’s office and waited for Gordon, Cobblepot, Wayne, and Strange himself to catch up to them. Once the four had entered the room and shut the door behind them, al Ghul turned on the principals with a fury that made even Strange shake in his shoes.

“In my fifteen years of administration,” he yelled. “I have never seen more disgraceful behavior from so-called professionals! Teachers showing up to school drunk! Teaching inappropriate material! Swearing at children! Engaging in sexual relations on school property! Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t have them all transferred to other schools immediately!”

Strange wouldn’t mind replacing the entire staff. Neither would Wayne, he sensed, with one or two exceptions. He was about to concur with al Ghul when Gordon opened his mouth.

“To be fair,” he said. “They are professionals. Dedicated professionals. I’m not going to pretend that they aren’t a handful, but we have a record high graduation rate. Our students excel on every standardized test they're given-"

"That may be true," Wayne interrupted. "But surely, we can have high scholastic performance without these shenanigans."

Strange was about to open his mouth once again, only this time, Cobblepot interrupted. "From what I hear, it's not just the faculty engaging in shenanigans. I've heard reports about several students and their misbehavior, including more than a few of your children, Mr. Wayne. Aren't we being a little selective in our outrage?"

Wayne's eyes narrowed and Queen spoke up. "And one other thing: if the students and the teachers are running around wild, whose fault is that other than the administration? I mean, you've basically been letting it happen, right?"

All eyes then looked to Strange himself. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe beads of sweat from his forehead. "Let us continue on with our walkthrough," he said finally. "We still have a few more classes to observe. After the final bell, we can begin to make some determinations on how to proceed."

al Ghul gave a sharp nod. "Very well. Where next?"

"Miguel Dorrance's Spanish class is just down the hall," Gordon said. "Then we could-" his face went pale.

"Then?" al Ghul demanded.

Gordon visibly gulped. "Then we could observe Ms. Isley and Mr. Kerr's classes."

Everybody in the group visibly shuddered.

* * *

 

 

Dorrance's class was mercifully uneventful. Unfortunately, Gordon just knew that Isley and Kerr's wouldn't be. The group entered Isley's biology class at a quarter past one, just as she was beginning her lesson. She gave them only a cursory nod before she began to speak to her class. "Alright, kids. Today we're beginning our section on genetics. Now, who can tell me where the term Mendelian Inheritance comes from?" A few students raised their hands. Isley looked over the students before nodding at Stephanie Brown. "Yes, Stephanie?"

"From Gregor Mendel."

"Very good. Yes, Mendelian Inheritance follows three basic principles. Can anyone tell me what those principles are?" Another handful of students raised their hands. Isley scanned them before nodding at Ellen Nashton. "Yes, Ellen?"

"Law of dominance, law of segregation..." she trailed off and bit her lip. A boy next to her raised his hand, but Isley ignored him. 

"Take your time," she said patiently.

Ellen snapped her fingers. "Law of independent assortment!"

Isley gave her an indulgent smile. "Very good. Now, in simple terms-"

"Hold on a moment," Elliot said. "There was another student who knew the answer and you ignored him!"

Isley gave him a cold look. "I called on Ellen. May I continue?"

"Yes," Gordon said before Elliott could say anything else. Isley was behaving herself, or at least wasn't doing anything too outrageous. Best to let her continue. 

"Thank you, Jim. Now, as I was saying..." For the next fifteen minutes, the group watched Isley walk her class through the basic principles of Mendelian inheritance. As the lesson went on though, Gordon noticed something. With a few exceptions, Isley was only calling on the girls in her class. Gordon gave a quick look down the group, hoping that no one else had caught it, or if they did, that they had no objections. This hope was dashed when he saw the dark look on Elliott's face. Isley had just called Duela Dent and Tiffany Fox to the front for a demonstration when he loudly interrupted again.

"Hold on!" he shouted, much to Isley's irritation. "We've been here for almost twenty minutes and I haven't seen you engage with any of the male students in your class!"

Isley rolled her eyes. "Really? I suppose you weren't paying attention when I called on Craig, Cullen, Javarius, Ted, and Justin." Then her face darkened. "Or do they not count?"

Elliott continued on, not noticing or not caring about the implication. "That's blatant favoritism!"

Isley scoffed. "I'm sure my white male students will survive not being catered to for forty-five minutes. They'll  have the rest of their lives to revel in having an unfair advantage over others by virtue of their race and gender."

Gordon saw jaws drop amongst the school board and cringed. "W-what did you just say!?" Elliott demanded.

"You heard me," Isley said. "Now, going back to my lesson, girls-"

"You haven't heard the last of this-"

"I wasn't listening to the first of it. Now, if you're quite done throwing a tantrum, let me get back to my work."

"We'll leave you to it," al Ghul said. He turned and left the room, the principals and school board following behind him. "Well," he said as they entered the hall, "I'm beginning to see why I've gotten so many complaints about Ms. Isley. Now to Kerr's class?"

Gordon exchanged a long look with Wayne and Strange. "Yes," he said. "To Kerr's." _I updated my will, right?_

* * *

 

 

It didn't take long for the first complaint against Kerr's class to come. "Why is the chemistry class being held in a portable!?" al Ghul demanded when he saw the portable standing alone a distance off from the rest of the main building. 

"We had an incident about a week ago," Gordon explained, already feeling sick to his stomach.

Fox's brow furrowed. "One of the students started a fire?"

"Not one of the students," Gordon said. "Mr. Kerr."

Silence overcame the group as they processed this information. "The chemistry teacher himself started a fire?" Cobblepot asked. "And he's still employed _why_?"

Gordon weakly shrugged. "He has tenure."

al Ghul scoffed. "Tenure indeed. Let's just go in and get this over with."

The group filed into the portable, only to find that the students were seated with no sign of Kerr. Gordon grimaced when he saw that the first row of chairs was vacant, and the students in the second row were wearing bike helmets, pillows, and other makeshift body armor.

"Where is your teacher!?" al Ghul demanded. 

"He'll be along," a sing-song voice called from the far left corner. The group turned to see Harley sitting in a desk in the front of the room. "Puddin' had to get supplies for his lesson today!"

"And what are you doing here?" al Ghul asked. "What business does a guidance counselor have in a chemistry class?"

"Well, I already got my work done for the day, and Penny asked for privacy for her date with Eddie, so I figured why not?"

al Ghul huffed, then led the group to the back of the room. Just as they had settled along the back wall of the portable, Kerr himself entered with a flourish, carrying a box. "Afternoon, kiddos!" he shouted, placing the box down on his desk. His eyes went to the back and saw al Ghul, the principals, and the school board and he smiled wide. "Ooh, the gang's all here! We are in for a treat today!"

"Good lord," Vreeland said. "Why is he so...pale?"

Kerr heard that and his brow furrowed. "Pale?" He looked to Harley. "Harley my dear, am I pale?"

She gave him a thumbs up. "You look fine to me, Mistah J!"

Kerr grinned. "Good! Now, let's get started! Today's lesson is all about chemical reactions. Now, if you'll pull out your notes..."

Gordon leaned over to Vreeland and whispered, "He's never really given a straight answer for the pale skin. When I asked, he said he had vitiligo."

"When I asked, he claimed he had a freak accident in a chemical plant," Wayne said, rolling his eyes. "I'm not sure we want to know the truth."

Vreeland nodded. "Alright, but why does he have green hair? Does he dye it?"

"Now now," Kerr spoke up, shaking his finger at the group in the back. "No whispering! As for the green hair, that was the result of an unfortunate incident I had with brussels sprouts when I was a child." He turned his attention back to the students. "So let that be a lesson to you kiddos, don't eat your vegetables!" He threw his head back and laughed, the noise getting on Gordon's last nerve. 

"Don't corrupt your students!" al Ghul shouted. "Just get back to your lesson!"

Kerr's face darkened a bit. "Sheesh, lighten up Ghulie. Anywho kiddos, now we've gone over the basic of chemical combinations, I'm going to tell you what not to do!" He opened the box and pulled out household cleaners. "Now, we all know what happens when we combine alkali metals with water, right? What do we get, Thomas?"

Duke Thomas gulped. "Hydrogen gas, Mr. Kerr."

"Bingo! Now, what do we get when we mix bleach and vinegar? Anyone know?" To Gordon's and the school board's horror, he opened a bottle of bleach and poured it into a vial.

"No!" Wayne shouted. "You'll get chlorine gas!" 

Kerr laughed. "Oh, settle down Brucie. I wouldn't gas a room full of children. Not in front of the school board at least." He threw the vila in the garbage next to him. "No, just in honor of the school board's and Superintendent al Ghul's presence, we'll be working with hydrogen peroxide and sulfuric acid!" He pulled the chemicals out of the box and began to combine them.

Pandemonium broke out immediately. "Evacuate!" al Ghul shouted. "Flee children, flee for your lives!" Students began pushing their way out the door and out the windows. The school board also fled, Elliott shoving students out of the way. Gordon, Fox, Wayne, Queen, and al Ghul grabbed as many children as they could and pushed them to safety before diving out of the portable. Falcone had Quinzel over her shoulders as she ran out, Quinzel crying out for her puddin' all the while. Finally, only Kerr was left in the portable. The last thing anyone heard was the obnoxious sound of his laughter before the portable exploded, actually going three feet airborne before it came crashing back down to earth in a fireball. The assembled students and faculty watched as it burned.

"Oh, puddin'," Harley sniffled. "My poor, poor, puddin'."

"At this point, he probably is," Cobblepot quipped.

Incredibly, a figure emerged from the burning wreck, Kerr staggered out of the remains of the portable without a scratch on him, laughing hysterically.

"How?" Queen sputtered. "How is he still alive!?"

"Jason says he's an eldritch abomination," Wayne muttered. "I'm not sure he's wrong."

al Ghul seethed. "I think," he hissed. "That I've seen quite enough. Assemble the faculty in front of the school! I will see heads roll for this! I will-"

"Um, Mr. al Ghul," Quinzel said. "Your cape's on fire."

al Ghul looked down and sure enough, the edge of his cape was on fire. "Good Lord!" he shouted, frantically tearing it off and stomping on the flames. Strange smirked. Finally. Finally. The faculty of Gotham Academy would be gone and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dramatic music* Oh no! Is there any hope left for our heroic teachers? Tune in next time!


	21. Jason ex Machina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the teachers' darkest hour, an unexpected hero emerges.

_"Attention. All teachers and faculty. Report to the front entrance immediately. This is a direct order from myself and the superintendent. That is all."_

As one, the teachers and senior staff began to file out of their classes, offices and break rooms. Some, like Langstrom and Fries, walked slowly with their heads down, as if walking to an execution. Others, like Pamela, walked out defiantly, with their heads held up high. One man didn't walk at all, instead being pushed in a wheelchair by Jervis. Jonathan groaned every time the wheelchair hit a bump.

"It's your own fault you know," Jervis scolded. "You shouldn't have had all that wine, March Hare!"

"Not now, Jervis," Jonathan moaned, trying to keep himself from vomiting. "Let me die in peace."

"I don't think that's likely my old friend," Jervis muttered. They had just past the hallway that led to the principal's office, and al Ghul's shouting was loud enough to make the framed pictures on the wall shake. Jervis shuddered. "I think al Ghul may rip us apart."

"Good. By the way, do I just have a bad headache, or did you hear that explosion a few minutes ago?"

* * *

 

 

Seeing as how all of the teachers had been called away, even while there were classes still in session, the students were free to do as they pleased, some staying in their rooms to gossip, others milling about the quad, several large groups getting as close as they could to the still burning portable and taking pictures. Tim dashed through the crowd, catching up to his oldest brother and their friends at their favorite outdoor table. "What's going on?" he asked.

Barbara grimaced. "Kerr blew up the portable while Dad, Strange, al Ghul, and the school board were inside." At Tim's stricken face she quickly added, "No one's hurt, but al Ghul wants all the teachers to report out front. I'm pretty sure he's going to either fire them or start the process to transfer them." 

From his spot at thre bench, Duke shuddered at the memory of that class. Tim looked behind him to see Ellen and Duela looking despondent. "Our dads are going to get transferred," Ellen sulked. "We're gonna get transferred too! Why? My Dad's kind of a jerk sometimes, but he's nowhere near as bad as Kerr! He hasn't even done anything today!" Duela rubbed her shoulder in a gesture of comfort.

Tim decided not to tell Ellen the rumor he heard about her father having sex with Dr. Young in her office. "What about Kerr?"

"He got arrested," Cassandra said. "The police just took him away."

Tim stood gobsmacked for a moment, then shook his head. "Wow. I never thought I'd see the day. Wait until Jason hears-" then a thought occurred to him. "Wait. Where is Jason?"

The group looked around but could see no sign of him in the quad. "Guys," Stephanie said. "I don't see Roy anywhere. When was the last time we saw either of them?"

"I saw them at lunch," Duke said. "They were talking about something in the cafeteria. When I said hi, they moved."

Dick and Barbara exchanged a look. "They wouldn't-" Barbara said.

"Yeah," Dick said. "Yeah, they would. Let's go." The group left the table and ran towards the cafeteria doors.

* * *

 

 

Strange couldn't help but smirk as al Ghul railed on about the teachers. Finally, after years of disrespect, shenanigans, and buffoonery, he'd be rid of the faculty once and for all. "Kerr, Crane, Nashton, Isley, and Dent absolutely must leave," al Ghul said. "Harris will receive a pay cut for his misbehavior, as will Tetch and Dorrance for their involvement in the incident at the football game. Young will receive an official reprimand, as will Kyle-"

"Now hold on," Bruce said with a scowl. "What has she done to deserve that? And Harvey has a daughter who goes here, you can't just transfer him out."

"So does Edward, and you're not rushing to defend him," Cobblepot pointed out. "Don't play favorites, Wayne. If you weren't prepared to see your friends be punished, you shouldn't have called us out here in the first place."

Wayne said nothing but set his jaw. al Ghul continued on, "And Quinzel! I won't have her removed, but she should get a reprimand too! Fries, Langstrom, and Goodman can remain. Now, as for new teachers-"

A knock on the office door interrupted al Ghul. "Yes?" Gordon asked.

The door opened and Kristen poked her head in. She was biting her lower lip, in an effort to keep her composure, which made Strange feel on edge. "Excuse me, Superintendent? I think you should come out to the main entrance."

al Ghul raised an eyebrow. "The teachers?"

Kristen shook her head. "No. You need to see this for yourself." She shut the door and the group inside Strange office could hear her radio the school security team. al Ghul moved towards the door, the school board following him like ducklings out of the office and down the hall towards the front entrance. 

"If the faculty is getting up to any more mischief, I swear to God I'll have them arrested too," al Ghul muttered. Finally, he reached the front entrance and pushed the door open. Almost immediately, he froze, standing still in the doorway. Then Strange heard him bellow. "MY CAR! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY CAR!?" Strange and Gordon pushed their way past the school board and al Ghul to look at what he was shrieking at. What they saw made both of their jaws drop.

al Ghul's limousine was missing all four of its tires, as well as its hubcaps. al Ghul's driver was nowhere to be seen. Most of the members of the faculty had already made it outside, all of them in a state of shock or glee. al Ghul staggered forward, still sputtering in outrage. From a wheelchair, Jonathan Crane pointed at the parking spot next to the limo, just out of view from the front door. "Mr. Wayne," he drawled. "I think you'll find something of interest at your car as well." Bruce ran out the door then and the next thing Strange and Gordon heard was his bellow.

"JASON!!!"

Strange and Gordon moved to get a better look. Sure enough, Jason Todd was at that moment, removing the front right tire of Bruce's red sports car. Pulled up alongside in one of the school golf carts was his friend and partner in crime, Roy Harper. Jason quickly stood up and threw the tire into the back of the cart before jumping into the passenger seat. He turned to the stunned school board members still huddled in the doorway and raised both of his middle fingers. "You'll never take us alive, you sons of bitches! Hit the gas, Roy!"

"Roy!" Queen shouted, pushing his way through the bottleneck at the door. "Don't you dare!"

Roy decided to listen to his best friend over his foster father and slammed his foot down on the gas pedal of the golf cart. What followed was pure pandemonium. The golf cart came to life and Roy drove it past Bruce's parked car, almost running down security officers Cash and Bullock as well as a few students and teachers. Once they were clear, the golf cart picked up speed, with Bruce, Queen, Cash, and Bullock in full pursuit, Bruce yelling all the while. "JASON!!" At that moment, Jason's brothers and other friends pushed through the school board members and out the door, in time to see the awkward chase run down the parking lot.

"Guys," Duke said. "I think we're too late."

"Oh my God," Barbara groaned.

"Holy shit!" Ellen shouted.

"Go, Todd!" Duela shouted. "Be free!"

Tim turned to Dick. "So how long is Jason going to be grounded for?"

"How long is the average human lifespan?" Dick responded.

The faculty themselves had plenty to say on the matter as well. "He does know that those carts only go 20 miles an hour, doesn't he?" Jonathan drawled. 

Jervis shrugged. "Well, it's only a problem if they manage to clear the-" a loud, metallic crashing noise cut Jervis off mid-sentence. "Oh, what do you know? They managed to go through the gate. They'll be on the main road now."

Jonathan cackled. "God speed, you little bastard."

al Ghul slowly turned back towards Strange and Gordon, with the angriest expression either man had ever seen. "What," he seethed. "Just happened here!?"

Neither man could form words in the face of al Ghul's fury. "Jason Todd happened superintendent," Kristen said. "And this isn't the first time. He's still currently serving detention for attempting to steal the tires off of Principal Strange's car."

"He did WHAT!? Wayne never told me of this!"

"And that's not the first time he's been in trouble," Kristen continued. "This year alone, he's filled the swimming pool with live goldfish, juggled table saws in shop class, blew up Coach Bolton's desk, and spray-painted 'Mr. Zsasz is a punk-ass bitch' on the school lockers."

al Ghul's jaw dropped. "This year-it's only October! Why hasn't he been expelled!?"

"He's Bruce Wayne's son, that's why," Pamela said. "They can get away with murder."

"Isley," Strange warned. "That's not true-"

"Actually," Kristen said. "He's not the only one of Mr. Wayne's children to act out either."

"It's true!" Harley shouted. "Last month, Dick came to school dressed in a halter top and booty shorts to protest the dress code! It took us three hours to restore order!"

"Timothy once crashed the entire school's WIFI network programming a Mexican restaurant and then trying to order a taco," Jonathan added. "The computer lab was shut down for three days."

"Last year, Cassandra sent six seniors to the nurse's office for bullying a freshman," Dorrance said. "Not that they didn't have it coming, but there were broken bones."

Dick and Tim looked like they wanted to be anywhere else at the moment, and Cassandra merely shrugged when al Ghul fixed them with a steely glare. "And Wayne does nothing to curb this behavior?"

"If he does, it doesn't seem to be working," Kristen said. "Would you like to see their disciplinary records?"

al Ghul raised a hand. "No, that won't be necessary." He took a deep breath, then turned to address the faculty. "Now that you are all assembled, I-" then his eyes narrowed. "Where are Young and Nashton!?"

"Speak of the Devil and He shall appear," Pamela pointed back at the doorway.

Edward and Penelope emerged holding hands. Penelope looked as professional as always, her clothes only slightly rumpled. Edward however, looked like he had been utterly debauched, his hair messed up, his tie and the top three buttons of his shirt missing, and a dreamy look of satisfaction on his face. Both of them were far too wrapped up in the other to notice the crowd outside or al Ghul's mangled car.

Duela nudged Ellen. "Looks like you might get a little brother or sister after all."

"Dad!" Ellen shouted. "Did you bang my guidance counselor!?"

This brought the pair back to reality. "Ellen!" Edward shouted. "What are you doing out of class?" Then he noticed the car. "Oh my. What did we miss?"

Penelope addressed Gordon. "Jason?"

"Jason," Gordon confirmed.

al Ghul grit his teeth. "Now that you are all assembled, I have an important announcement to make." The teachers and students alike fell silent. Strange felt a smirk come to his face. Todd's behavior couldn't erase the fact that the teachers were unsuited to work here. "Quite frankly, your behavior is appalling by any standard," al Ghul continued. "Many members of the school board, Mr. Wayne included, as well as Principal Strange would like to see you removed." Strange let himself grin now. Here it comes..."However," al Ghul said and Strange almost felt his heart stop. "Given the fact that Wayne and his children violate the rules with even more impunity than you do, and that Strange is utterly incapable of dealing with it, I see no reason to give either of them what they want. And frankly, I can think of no greater punishment for the lot of you than to have you stay right where you are!" A loud relieved cheer went up from the crowd and Strange's hopes died. "Oh, shut up!" al Ghul scolded. Then al Ghul barked at Strange. "Find my driver and call us a cab! Now!"

Strange clenched his fists and did his best to ignore the smug looks on the faces of the faculty. "Yes, Superintendent al Ghul." He led al Ghul back in the building and cursed every decision that led him here. 

Before he went into the building, al Ghul put a hand on Gordon's shoulder. "Take the next two weeks off. You deserve it."

Gordon's face lit up. "Thank you, Superintendent al Ghul!" al Ghul gave him a nod and followed Strange. Barbara ran up to her father and gave her a hug.

The various members of the school board made their way back to their cars, Oswald giving the faculty a wave. "Until we meet again, you rascals!"

"Bye, Oswald!" Edward waved. 

Penelope shook her head, then leaned up to give Edward a kiss on the cheek. "I have to get caught up on my work. Call me tonight?"

Once again, a dreamy smile came to Edward's face that made his friends and his daughter want to puke. "Yes, Darling."

Penelope smiled, then went back into the building. Edward made his ways down the steps and towards his friends. "I told you she was crazy about me," he sighed.

"Wonderful," Jonathan grumbled. "Now you'll be even more goddamn insufferable."

Edward scowled. "Bitter old crow."

"Dad," Ellen asked. "Am I gonna get a little brother or sister for my Birthday?"

Edward's face turned bright red. "Ellen!" Ellen laughed, then ran off to join her friends. Edward shook his head. "Honestly, that girl's going to get into all kinds of mischief someday."

"Like father, like daughter," Jervis said. 

The three exchanged a laugh. Harley bounded over to them with a squeal, followed by the other teachers. "We did it!" she laughed, hugging Pamela. "We won! We get to stay together!"

"What about your puddin'?" Selina asked. "He's still going to jail."

Harley's face darkened. "And he deserves it, the creep! He blew up the class when there were kids inside! That's not funny!"

Pamela and Selina exchanged a smile. Things were definitely looking up.

"What about Bruce?" Harvey asked Selina.

She shrugged. "He'll live."

Neil came to the front of the crowd. "Let's sing a song!"

"Let's absolutely fucking not!" Jonathan shouted.

Neil however, would not be denied. **"Everybody's got the right to some sunshine,"** He gestured to the crowd. **"EVERYBODY!"**

The teachers, except Jonathan, all joined in. **"Not the sun but maybe one of its beams! One of its beams! Rich man, poor man, black or white! Pick your apple, take a bite! Everybody just hold tight to your dreams! Everybody's got the right to their dreams!"**

Jonathan stubbornly folded his arms. "I hate you all so goddamn much."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end, for now at least. I'm marking it complete because there are other stories I want to tell, but I may come back to do oneshots in this verse. I hope you've enjoyed this nonsense.


End file.
